5/21/16
New Update

I left Virginia to see my mother, happy because my friend was healing, and proud of myself for the way I handled it.
He died while I was home, and all I could do to comfort him was to sing to him over the phone.
Now I'm almost at the end of my trip and I find that I'm having a hard time preparing to go back.

I guess that while I was away, it was easier to keep the sadness at bay because I didn't have to see the unused toys. I didn't have to wake up at night and look across the room at a vacant bed. I didn't have to be careful about rolling over and squishing the ball of fur that was sleeping next to me.  And I didn't have to leave the bathroom door open by just *that* much so a cat could get in if he wanted to.
But now, I'm having trouble.

Now, I'm dreading the trip.
Now, there will be a vacant bed, and unused toys, and there will be one empty spot in the bed, and another on the sidewalk where my friends used to wait for me until I got home.

I've come a long way. I've learned a lesson about the kindness of others.  I've learned to trust in my own strength, and in the Universe to provide what I could not.  I've learned that I can let go when I have to, and that knowing this didn't make it any less painful.

But I also learned this;
Love doesn't disappear when someone dies.  It gets mixed with pain, and guilt, and regret.  It gets overshadowed by some pretty powerful emotions, but it's always there.  And, someday, if I'm lucky, I'll reach a point where the pain is gone, and only the love remains.

5/20/16 New Update

I read an article the other day written by a man who had lost a cat. (you can read that article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-zadoorian/there-is-nothing-inappropriate-grieving-cat_b_9954564.html)

This man felt that he was grieving excessively over his loss. He said that men were perceived as weak for crying over a the death of a pet, and so he had not only the force of his sadness to deal with, but the feelings of shame over having those feelings.

As I read his words, I realized I was experiencing the same vicious cycle.
I certainly don't think that the strength of my grief is in any way inappropriate, these were my *friends* after all, but I do harbor a certain reluctance to talk about it because I'm afraid that people will think somehow less of me for it. So far, nobody has come to me and said "Let it go Grace, they were just cats. Why aren't you over this yet???" But every time I post one of these updates, some part of me is waiting for that response from my readers.

A few years ago, someone asked me why they weren't "over something" from their recent past. They went on to say that they felt abandoned by some of their friends for "not getting over it fast enough". If I were in the same room with the man who wrote the article, I would tell him the same thing that I told my friend; "Grief is a very individual thing-specific to, and different for, each person. Your grief is your grief-nobody else can know it, nobody else has the strengths and challenges that you have. Nobody has your history or your exact perspective.
They are not qualified to judge, so go through it at your own speed; you'll reach the end when you're ready.
In other words, it will take as long as it takes, but fortunately not one minute longer. "

Follow my own advice?
I'm working on it.

Time is running out! I'll be closing this campaign down at the end of June-if you can help out, NOW is the time! Your generosity can get me that much closer to the goal before I'm forced to give up and go it alone.

If you cannot give at this time, or if you have already become a part of the extended family, sharing this update will also help get the word out!
As always, thank you for reading!

Much Love
Grace

They say that triumph grows out of tragedy if you let it.
I have to admit, I'm hard-pressed to find the silver lining in the storm clouds of the month, but I decided that today I was going to go looking.

The first thing that comes to mind is that losing Kramer and Meko put me in touch with some wonderful people, some of whom will remain friends in the future.
Dozens of people, whether they could donate or not, took the time to contact me and express their support for what I was doing.
Whether we're related by blood or not, there is some feeling of family between pet owners. We understand the pain that stems from the loss of our friends, and that gives us a special understanding when it comes to comforting each other.
I think that in comforting me, some of these people found a measure of comfort for themselves. I like to think that Meko and Kramer had a hand in a lot of healing for a lot of people-not just me.

Losing Kramer and Meko also gave me a deeper appreciation for my two-legged loved ones.
We accept our pets for who they are. If they're grumpy, we chuckle affectionately and say, "well, that's my boy." Why don't we do that with people? Why do we lose patience with them?
One thing I always made sure of was to tell Meko and Kramer that I loved them every day. Each morning when they went out to sit on the porch came a conversation that went kind of like this,

"Be good boy! Be nice to each other, stay out of the road! I love you!"

I was the only one talking, of course, but losing them made me think of the other people in my life who I might lose at any moment. What was the last thing I said to them?
I think that from now on, I'm going to be able to answer that question much more easily.


Again, I'm reminded of just how UN-important most stuff is-as I gather items I haven't laid eyes on in years to sell off for these bills. Fighting for disability years ago gave me a good lesson in this. How many times have we said, "I have to have/I can't live without this".
Well, the truth is, you can.
All the "things" I had didn't keep them safe, and I would rather have my boys back than keep any other "thing" in my life. I think that the ability to let things go with joy is the key to letting other things in. Whatever happens, I'll appreciate the reminder.

I won't keep you guys any longer, this has already turned out to be more than I had intended.
That being said, please remember us. I still have a long way to go before I wrap this up in June. Shares are appreciated too.
Much Love
Grace