I can see clearly now

 So much has changed.

Don't worry, I'm still pretty weird but I think I'm a bit more grounded in my weirdness.

Nearly halloween 🎃 and that seems appropriate for my rising from the internet grave, so to speak.

No time tonight to fill y'all in but soon.

5/21/16
New Update

I left Virginia to see my mother, happy because my friend was healing, and proud of myself for the way I handled it.
He died while I was home, and all I could do to comfort him was to sing to him over the phone.
Now I'm almost at the end of my trip and I find that I'm having a hard time preparing to go back.

I guess that while I was away, it was easier to keep the sadness at bay because I didn't have to see the unused toys. I didn't have to wake up at night and look across the room at a vacant bed. I didn't have to be careful about rolling over and squishing the ball of fur that was sleeping next to me.  And I didn't have to leave the bathroom door open by just *that* much so a cat could get in if he wanted to.
But now, I'm having trouble.

Now, I'm dreading the trip.
Now, there will be a vacant bed, and unused toys, and there will be one empty spot in the bed, and another on the sidewalk where my friends used to wait for me until I got home.

I've come a long way. I've learned a lesson about the kindness of others.  I've learned to trust in my own strength, and in the Universe to provide what I could not.  I've learned that I can let go when I have to, and that knowing this didn't make it any less painful.

But I also learned this;
Love doesn't disappear when someone dies.  It gets mixed with pain, and guilt, and regret.  It gets overshadowed by some pretty powerful emotions, but it's always there.  And, someday, if I'm lucky, I'll reach a point where the pain is gone, and only the love remains.

5/20/16 New Update

I read an article the other day written by a man who had lost a cat. (you can read that article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-zadoorian/there-is-nothing-inappropriate-grieving-cat_b_9954564.html)

This man felt that he was grieving excessively over his loss. He said that men were perceived as weak for crying over a the death of a pet, and so he had not only the force of his sadness to deal with, but the feelings of shame over having those feelings.

As I read his words, I realized I was experiencing the same vicious cycle.
I certainly don't think that the strength of my grief is in any way inappropriate, these were my *friends* after all, but I do harbor a certain reluctance to talk about it because I'm afraid that people will think somehow less of me for it. So far, nobody has come to me and said "Let it go Grace, they were just cats. Why aren't you over this yet???" But every time I post one of these updates, some part of me is waiting for that response from my readers.

A few years ago, someone asked me why they weren't "over something" from their recent past. They went on to say that they felt abandoned by some of their friends for "not getting over it fast enough". If I were in the same room with the man who wrote the article, I would tell him the same thing that I told my friend; "Grief is a very individual thing-specific to, and different for, each person. Your grief is your grief-nobody else can know it, nobody else has the strengths and challenges that you have. Nobody has your history or your exact perspective.
They are not qualified to judge, so go through it at your own speed; you'll reach the end when you're ready.
In other words, it will take as long as it takes, but fortunately not one minute longer. "

Follow my own advice?
I'm working on it.

Time is running out! I'll be closing this campaign down at the end of June-if you can help out, NOW is the time! Your generosity can get me that much closer to the goal before I'm forced to give up and go it alone.

If you cannot give at this time, or if you have already become a part of the extended family, sharing this update will also help get the word out!
As always, thank you for reading!

Much Love
Grace