Someone on a dating site recently told me that I was “Emotionally Unavailable” because of the way I worded my profile.
Specifically, he took issue with my identification as “monogamous”
and “seeing someone” relative to the fact that I still had a profile on
the site in the first place. He said that by maintaining an active
profile, I was doing nothing more than “setting up other men for eventual disappointment when they find that they can not occupy a place in (my) your emotions”
This guy has no idea who I am, and so this kind of pissed me off.
But he struck a nerve-and after my shock at the strength my own
reaction, I took another look at myself.
Was it true?
My partner (for lack of a better choice of labels) is not monogamous, and I accept him completely and without reservation.
Being monogamous myself, this means I get challenged emotionally.
A Lot.
It’s not easy to be brave, or to stay positive; and sometimes frankly
I get frustrated. Sure, I could conceivably go searching for someone
who thought exactly the way I do. Perhaps I’d even find him, and maybe
it would be pleasant. Add that to the other issues involved in living
my life-financial, health, and emotional woes included, and maybe it
*would* be easier to function by shutting down completely.
But I don’t.
I asked myself “What would it be like to have an easy life?”
And my immediate thought was; “But where’s the growth in that?”
Where’s.
The.
Growth.
In.
That.
I chose this relationship, as I’ve chosen many other things in my
life, in part for the growth it provides. I choose because I see and
understand that there are many different ways of living a life. From
his comment, I see that “Mr. Unavailable” sees things in more rigid
terms. If A is correct, then B is incorrect-so to speak. There is nothing really wrong with that, but I have a different perspective where both A and B are correct, nothing is really exclusive.
I’ll be the first one to admit that monogamous and non-monogamous
creates an unusual pairing. My partner and I catch static from both
sides. It takes some work. In order to communicate my needs to someone
who is occasionally focused elsewhere, I need to be in touch with my own
feelings. I need to know what stems from a situation and what might be
concerned more with some insecurity on my part. I need to be alert and
sensitive to his signals when perhaps more space is needed. I need to
be adept at identifying the thought patterns that do not serve me, and
finding the things that I really enjoy doing to stay centered.
In other words, in order to function on all these levels it is absolutely essential that I remain aware and open emotionally
I have to have the strength to realize who I am and admit it, even
though it might be more comforting to bow to outside pressure, or fool
myself into believing that I’m something I’m not. And I see my partner
for who he is, though it may be tempting to soothe myself with the thought and false hope that somehow I could “change” him.
Sure, I’m scared. I could get hurt. But I’m learning as I go. So is he.
So far, so good.
So, you see, Mr. “Emotionally Unavailable”, I understand where you
are coming from. I understand that your comment was an expression of
fear-nobody wants to get hurt. And hopefully now you see that my
profile here is less of an attempt to “set people up for failure” and
more of a testament to my belief in the value of all individuals to add
to a life-even if it’s not sexually.
It’s not easy, but I do it and have faith that whatever happens will be for the best.
Can’t be more open than that.
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