Dog-nabbit

Yesterday I posted an entry concerning the memories and synchronicity that had been manifesting around me.  (You can read that here:  http://grace-in-search-of-grace.blogspot.com/2014/07/dog-gone.html  )

I was at a loss as to why this was coming up now

Well, this morning I had a sort of epiphany.
In addition to the dog videos that have come across my path, there have also been a number of recent cases where I have been asked to assist in the re-homing of a pet.
The most recent was just this morning, in fact.

Now, I don't really consider myself to be an Animal Activist, but one thing that deeply saddens me is the thought of an animal being unwanted.  Without getting into the reasons behind this (that's for another entry!) I resonate strongly with that feeling.

Looking back on this, I realized that there was, indeed, a connection to the processing that I began not too long ago.  So now, it is clear that the thought of an unwanted animal really ties into my own feelings of abandonment.  After all, what is more forsaken than a companion animal who is taken into a home with the inherent obligation that that action includes a life-time of love and care, only to be left by the people it loves.

I've seen stories and videos of companion animals living in the garage next to the house they used to live in for as long as two years, waiting for their deceased owners to return.  I do not know if animals are capable of the kind of processing necessary to understand and integrate the experience, but I'm sure that the loss does not go unnoticed.

The memory that came up is all tangled up in the feelings of abandonment/forsaken/unwanted/bereft-and, perhaps not-so coincidentally, all these words have come up in my journal work in recent weeks.

I find that I have a passion for connecting abandoned companion animals with new owners who will Love them.  Obviously, in doing that, I am attempting to ameliorate some of my own energetic baggage.

The experience with my neighbor's dog coming up at this time, also makes sense to me now.

As humans, we do not really possess a "thinking body" until we are about 8 years old.  Before that age, we simply feel, and sometimes as we get older, we are left with memories that consist of feelings and emotions but have no real words associated with them.
The current "Me" has the sophistication to understand that it may be gentler and more loving to let an animal go.  There are pain and quality of life issues that need to be addressed, and I can deal with that now.
But, the 7 year old "Then Me" did not have those intellectual  resources.
As far as I knew, Duffy was taken away because he was old.  I didn't see why that was necessary-my grandparents were old, and nobody was taking *them* away.  I must have found it terribly unfair.  I must have thought that he was simply unwanted, and that it was tragic to be put out simply for that reason when *I* sure wanted him.

I guess it's a good thing for something that I had obviously shut out for so long to come up for integration.
I guess it's a good thing to have just that much more understanding of why I do things the way I do.  
I guess it's a good thing to become more familiar with who I really am.
I guess I have reasons now to be grateful for those experiences which led to it all.

Sooo.....
Godspeed Duffy, King, Dukey, Shoep, Je-ju, Mitsy, Bell, Snowball, Zephyr, and all the others.

And, Thank you.

Dog-gone.

I'm sure there is a reason for this, but frankly, that doesn't make it any easier.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time trying some techniques for integration. (If in the unlikely event, you don't know what I mean, watch this:)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3V_Gtfr_YA&list=PLoME_J8FevCD481r3UzlI7tdd1i3WsqBt&feature=player_embedded



One thing that gets mentioned a lot is that while involved in a process like this, old memories come up; and the occasional suppressed memory tags along for the ride.
I'm an animal activist, and recently, Synchronicity has put two videos in front of my face, both about dogs and their bond with their owners when the dog becomes ill and must leave this life. One was about a dog named "Dukey" and another about a dog named "Shoep". You can probably find them online if you really want to.

As if *that* wasn't enough to make me cry-and it did.
A lot-
Continuously.
Emotionally.
You get the point...
I remembered something from my childhood.
I was not allowed to have pets as a child, though I wanted one desperately. I became close to the dog across the street, a yellow lab named Duffy, and I visited him almost every day. His owner, Mrs. Olen, was an elderly woman and she was always very kind to me.
One day, when I was about 7, I remember getting into my mother's car, with Mrs. Olen and Duffy in the back seat. This was unusual as animals were never allowed in the cars.
I have a very clear vision of looking over my shoulder into Duffy's eyes and asking what was going on. My mother said we were taking Duffy to the vet, and she wouldn't say anything else.
I don't remember a single thing about that day aside from those 3 minutes although I'm sure I must have gone to the vet and waited with my mother to drive Mrs. Olen (and presumably, Duffy) home but search as I might, I cannot recall it.

But I am certain now, because the feelings I felt watching these two videos were identical to the feelings I felt when Duffy suddenly wasn't across the street any more, that it was on that day years ago that we took Duffy to be put to sleep.

I think I disassociated from the grief I must have felt then, and guess what guys! It's coming up NOW in the aftermath of having come across those two videos.
Poor Duffy. Maybe if I had had the strength to remain focused at the time, I might have made his transition easier, I might have said goodbye, I might have had some closure.
But I didn't.

Just *why* this memory is apparently so important to relive isn't clear, but it's apparent that there is a lesson in there somewhere. What might you tell that child who was in the car, with a good friend about to die, and wasn't aware enough to be of any help?
It has been a really rough and raw couple of days-does anyone have any insight into this?

Spiritual Evolution in Personal Relationships; or, Give Me A Bananna

One must evolve in order to stay happy in a relationship long term.  This ability is essential for two reasons.  Well, to be honest it's more than 2, but we'll just look at the two most important ones.
Every aspect of your relationship with others will change over time.
Every.
Aspect.
The reasons that brought you together initially may continue to exist, or they may disappear, and without the ability to let go and remain flexible, a person can begin to focus on the loss and in doing so will miss the burgeoning positive aspects of that same relationship.  Remember, continual focus on the negative brings more negative to light.

That being said, it takes a great deal of strength to let go of expectations.
I'm not talking about a level of performance you aspire to attract in others-I'm talking about those things that you know and count on happening from day to day.
There is an old proverb that goes; "Better the Devil that you do know than the Devil that you don't." , and it means, in general, that given the choice, people tend to opt for familiarity over relief.  That means that even if a situation is unpleasant; one will remain involved in it because it is familiar and all the variables are known. I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to see how this applies to relationships.
Personally, I believe that the one thing a person dislikes more than a negative quality about something, is to be surprised by it.  It is those who are able to see through the illusion of circumstance and assign other meanings (or no meanings) to them are the ones who will be best able to remain stable while disruption occurs around them.
Simply said, becoming comfortable in handling the unexpected is a sign of Spiritual Growth/Evolution. 
Personal growth makes it easier to become comfortable in handling the unexpected, which leads to your ability to remain unattached to a particular outcome, which leads to less stress when things change around you.

The other reason that one must evolve in order to stay happy has to do with the reality of any relationship with another.
Any relationship you experience is actually a single facet of your relationship with yourself.  We become involved in a relationship to study specific aspects of our own selves-be it passion, broken-ness, pain, talent; it is all related back to the self in terms of likeness (i.e. "This person is like me-I also have this quality" or "This person is not like me-I do not have this quality")  Even though we are noticing that a quality is missing in ourselves with relation to the other person, ultimately we must still focus on ourselves in order to notice that the quality is missing.
OK
That was confusing.  Let's try this:
You are green and your friend is orange.  In order to realize that your orange friend is different from the green you, you must know that you are green.
In order to do that, you have to look at YOURSELF.
That's better.
Finding acceptance and happiness within yourself is another sign of Spiritual Growth.

Congratulations, by experiencing the same/otherness of another person, you have just identified something about yourself.  Committing to a relationship is equal to making a commitment to becoming self-aware.  This is why many cultures consider marriage to be a Spiritual state.
 If we cannot learn to accept and integrate what we become aware of, we leave portions of our selves attached to a negative emotional charge.  Even without a long and involved explanation about the Law of Attraction, how long will you want to stay in a relationship that continually reflects the unliked bits of yourself back at you?  And there is a big difference between "I HATE that about myself, I won't do that anymore" and "Well, I know I have a tendency to be that way but it's who I am.  But that doesn't mean I have to stay that way."

In many ways, acceptance of self is a form of high Spiritual practice-and it encompasses the ideas of remaining non-judgmental, flexible, centered and the ability to let go of the familiar and non-productive for the productive but non-familiar. 
In other words;
Evolution.

Tell It To The Judge.

Ugly.
Stupid.
Smelly.
Sickening.
Racist.
Disgusting.

Many of you who read the above words will experience a feeling of discomfort.
When a word evokes an unpleasant or uncomfortable feeling from an individual, the word is sometimes said to "carry a negative emotional charge".  Every word you speak, think or write carries an emotional charge-which is largely determined by the experiences and perspective of the listener/thinker/reader.
Writers are particularly aware of this. Just as visual artists use symbols, form and color to evoke or convey emotion, writers use things like word choice, punctuation and adjectives to evoke certain emotions from their readers-this is how they convey the meaning of the story-and keep people interested in reading their books!

When a person assigns a (most often negatively) charged  word to a situation or thing, they are often said to be "judgmental"-and this is often vilified by the New Age Community.

Are they?
OF COURSE THEY ARE.

But is this necessarily a "bad" thing?

Of all the words in use in our language today, especially among those of the New Age Community, I feel that the word judgment carries the biggest negative charge of all.  Many Spiritual Teachers teach that judgment is a by-product of the ego, and therefore is something that must be released in order to attain true enlightenment.  Buddhist philosopher, Chogyam Trungpa had this to say;

"The attainment of enlightenment from the ego's point of view is extreme death".

While I agree that attachment (another no-no among the Non-deist philosophies) stems from the ego, and that judgment is a form of attachment , I think that the attachment that is inherent in being judgmental is more subtle than just the ego trying to perpetuate itself.


Let me explain.

With regard to our New Age friends, what you are really "attached" to here are the assumptions that;
1)  A always represents B.
          and, ironically
2) To have this point of view is always a bad thing.

But let's take another look at the nature of judgment.
Many of the day-to-day decisions made by our brains, based on the input of our senses, happen automatically-and far too fast for us to really register that a decision has been reached.

(Now, for those of you who adhere more strongly to dictionary definition may feel that this continual process does not really qualify as "judgment".  But the thesaurus gives many equivalents to the word judgment, such as estimation, evaluation, decision and intelligence, which may be more acceptable to you, but still mean the same thing.  This is a good example of a judgment-that judgment is an inappropriate word based on your beliefs.  I'm not doing this to get under your skin, dear literal friends-but I am trying to make a point.)

So what this means is that a person is immersed in a constant stream of information that that comes from the outside stimulation, which, in turn, is interpreted by their senses and influenced by their own beliefs and perceptions-in other words, judgment.  They do this many times a minute-even a decision as simple as "I will sit in this chair because I judge it sturdy enough to hold my weight" is a judgment.
Forming a preference is a judgment.   
Making a decision is a judgment.
Expressing a desire is a judgment.
Taking a step is a judgment.
Being human means being judgmental.  That's it.  It's that simple.
So judgment is really not the issue here and has gotten a bad rap.

The problem comes, as I see it, when a particular word carries an emotional charge, and that causes us to attribute a value judgment (to deem better or worse with relation to something else) to it which evokes a reaction from you that does not serve you.  That is the "attachment" that the Non-deist and New Age philosophies would have you avoid, not the word itself or even the meaning.
Our preferences are not what hold us back; it is the belief that our judgments make us a better or worse person than someone with a different judgment.  It is also the fear that the opinion of those who assign us a negative value is somehow more valid than our own.
Judgment only becomes dangerous when it is used to shore up our own self-esteem or to undermine the self esteem of another.

So, what to do.....

The first step is to stop beating yourself and others up over doing what your very nature compels you to do.

The next step is to loosen the hold of our value judgments.  This allows us to examine more closely the world around us.  We are forced to examine each thing, in each moment without getting hung up on whether something is negative or positive-better or worse.
It simply is and is allowed to exist as it is-which, in my judgment, is pretty good.  :)

In the image of...

I mean no offense to my friends of alternative faiths by using the word "God". By that, I mean The Universe and All That Is.

Please bear with me.
This came across my nose today, mulling it over.

What if the name of God that we are familiar with from the Book of Moses, "I am that I am", is really- "I AM that, I am."

The first way, God is saying that "I am whatever it is that I am" and we don't get to know what that is.

But the other way, God is saying that it is Everything in existence that you could look at. The wall, the tree, the person next to me, the grass-I am THAT, I am!

Ahhhh...all for the presence of a simple comma...
Today as I walk around, I will great everything I see with "I am that, I am."

I will also look INSIDE myself, and whatever I find, no matter how much I dislike it, I will say "I am that, I am".

Happy Father's Day

The truth of who we are and the truth of our roles in our children's lives are not limited to a single pattern defined by a greeting card company.
In reality, our roles are much more fluid than that and we all embody characteristics of both the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Both of these aspects are equal and should be honored wherever they occur.
So in addition to those wonderful men who are raising their children either singly or as part of a team, I would also like to wish a happy Father's Day to all the women, like my mother, who pulled "double duty" being both mother and father to a child.

May your day contain all the joy that a day can bring.
Namaste

What Is All This Turmoil For Anyway?

The other day, a new friend asked me why so many people who were focused on the ascension process seemed to be going through such emotional turmoil.
I explained it like this:

It's a matter of density and how density affects reality. 
The world and physical reality as we know it are considered to be of "third density".  The less dense you become (going up the scale-we are in the process of moving from third to fourth density.), the faster reality responds to your thoughts.  So the process that appears to be emotional turmoil with regard to ascension is really the process of getting control of our own thoughts so we don't get stuck manifesting things out of fear when we become less dense.  We're peeling away the layers, discovering all the impediments to clear thought.  Huna calls this "cleaning out the tube"-meaning removing and healing all the thoughts and beliefs which alter our clear asking because you can have anything you desire to the degree that your belief system allows you to believe you can.

Take another look at my blog entry "Stop Filling in the Blanks".  In essence, it's about learning to recognize those hidden thoughts that come up in any given situation.  That's important.
Why? 
Because thoughts create emotions, and emotions create vibrations which, in turn, create your reality.
What do I mean? 
Imagine yourself suddenly at 4th density-a place where your thoughts manifest very, very quickly. Reality responds to your thoughts, so these hidden thoughts, such as "they hate me", "this happens to me every time because I'm not meant to succeed" and the like will be much more likely to come about for you.  You will experience situations in which you cannot succeed, and you will have experiences with people who act as though they dislike you.  If you hold a thought at this level like "I need a new car", but you ALSO hold a belief that goes "Nothing good ever lasts for me", what do you think will happen?
Well, you will probably get the car because you don't hold any belief that it won't come to you, BUT it will be likely to break down, or you may wreck it-whatever it is that fulfills your belief that it wasn't going to last anyway.
See?

(As a side note, if you're a Trekker like I am, as silly as this may sound, you can re-watch the Classic episode entitled "Shore Leave" to see an idea of what I'm talking about-or check out this link for a synopsis of the plot: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shore_Leave_(Star_Trek:_The_Original_Series))

Why do we equate this with emotional turmoil?

It's HARD to take a look at your whole self.  You're guaranteed to find things that shock you, beliefs that repulse you, thoughts that annoy you, disappointments, negative habits, assumptions that do not serve you, etc.  It's HARD to see these things, LOVE them, and accept them so you can change them.  It's HARD to admit that the biggest thing holding you back from all you desire in life is *yourself*.  It's HARD to realize that you had the choices all along, and HARD to be responsible for the ones you made.  And above all, it's HARD to realize that the only person who can change this for you is YOU.

So turmoil? Perhaps.
But certainly NOT a harbinger of doom.  It's just a necessary part of the ascension process.
What will you find when you begin to take a good look at yourself?
Well, I can only tell you this for sure; the first fear you have to eliminate is the fear to begin.

Namaste

Stop Filling In The Blanks

Because the Ego is continuously fighting for survival to justify its existence, it takes it upon itself to know everything- even when there is no information with which to form an opinion.  Its need to be in charge is so great that it supplies "facts" to make up for the unknown elements of a given situation. 
In other words; it just makes stuff up.
We are all involved in a constantly evolving story-line of our own creating.
This week, I had a first-hand opportunity to see how this can wreak havoc with my life.

It began with a flat tire.
Well, not completely flat, but on its way to that state.  The car, however, belonged to a friend of mine, and they informed me with a sense of utter certainty that someone had let the air out of the tire; and that this act was done in an attempt to "get back" at my friend for something.
Not that my friend "believed" someone had done this, but that someone had done it.

I took a look at the event, the realization that one tire was low on air, and decided that it didn't quite add up to evidence of a malicious act.  Why did they just take some of the air out?  Why did they only do this on one tire? Wouldn't someone who was being truly malicious want to cause the greatest amount of inconvenience to their victim?  Wouldn't they let the air out of all the tires-or, at the very least let all the air out of one tire?
But my friend was already caught up in the natural progression of thought which went something like this:
If one was to assume that someone let some of the air out of one of the tires, then there had to be a reason why. 
The reason why was obviously something negative.  They were trying to "get back" at my friend.  They were unfriendly people.  They were making a political statement.  They were ignorant.  etc etc etc....
That led to my friend to feel  disliked, unsafe and threatened. 

Now, hold on here.  We do not actually know what really happened.  But the owner of the car went automatically to the negative.  Is the preferred state of being to feel unsafe and threatened?  No, that certainly does not serve me.
Then why do it?

Well, it seemed obvious to me.
There was no reason to do it.
Knowing that people around me often reflected my own beliefs, I decided to take a look at myself, and Goodness, what a mess I found!

Turns out, I do the same thing on many, many subjects.  Someone didn't return a text because they must be mad at me.  Someone offered me a gift in order to buy me off in some way.  I didn't get asked to a place because my company is not as enjoyable as someone else's.  Someone didn't like my Facebook Post, I'm not as good as other people who post and get "liked".

Sheesh!

To show you what I mean, I'll take a specific entry from my journal:

Situation:
Someone didn't return a text.

Old Thoughts:
They are mad at me.  I've offended them somehow.  Other people probably get their texts returned right away.  I bet other people get lots of communication.  I am being excluded.  I am less worthy.  Something is being hidden from me.

Of course, none of this made me feel good about anything, in fact, thoughts like this often just brought me to tears.
So I continued;

It COULD be they are simply busy.
Perhaps other people are getting the same treatment.
Perhaps they have not gotten my message.
Perhaps they do not know how to answer.
They don't like to text.
They are having some quiet time.
The phone is not working.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY AND THAT'S OK

I release the need to know WHY-and I no longer fill in these blanks.  The event is neutral and even though I do not, at this time, see how it will work out positively, I accept that it will and leave it where it is.  The Universe is working hard to send me what I desire.  I'm getting a handle on this and as painful as it is to face, I'm proud that I have figured it out and I KNOW I have the strength to face it."

There could be any number of reasons, NONE of which pointed to anything negative about me or how I was being treated, but the point is not really to assign some specific meaning (though positive possibilities feel better than repeating the negative ones), it is to remember that there is no inherent pain in any given situation.  They are all neutral.  The meaning they have is what we assign to them.  Our physical mind is not designed to know and understand every little detail so stop forcing it to do something it isn't designed to do.
I went through my present thoughts and did a process like the above for every instance where I realized I was filling in the blanks for something I didn't know.
Even if you don't believe, as I do, that Reality is directed by your thoughts and vibration, why would you choose to suffer those negative thoughts before you really, REALLY have a reason?

And if you do agree with me about the nature of Reality, then you can see how putting out a vibe of negative expectation just causes those expectations to be realized.
Your mind is designed to take account of how things are happen-ING, NOT to determine how something happened or will happen.  It is a great, in-the-moment interpreter, and that's all it's supposed to be.  It functions best when we are in the present moment and there are many systems of belief that say the same thing.

Have faith that things happen for a reason, but don't knock yourself out or worse-make yourself cry, wondering what that reason is.  Just remember that when the time comes for you to know, and it will, that everything will become clear; and that reason will always turn out to be the very best for you. 
Whatever the actual reason behind the low tire, from my perspective it happened to bring another layer of myself to my attention so that it could be healed-and that turned out to be a very good thing.

"What Is This World Coming To?"

This is a question that someone recently asked of me.
"I can answer that, but you won't like it.", I said.
"Tell me anyway.", they said.

OK...here goes.

In recent times, it seems that there has been an increase in unpleasant happenings.  We look at the news coming from Boston (my home town) and other places, and at first glance it looks as though the state of the world is going down the drain. 

Now pay attention to what I said; "AT FIRST GLANCE".
But think.
Many of you know and understand that we are in the midst of a global shift in consciousness.  But what some don't realize is that in order for this shift to occur, there has to be a motivation.  In other words, every improvement in the world that has ever taken place has happened because someone recognized a thing or situation that they did not prefer and focused on an improved version of it. 
"But why so much?" you ask...

Well, in order for someone to care about changing the unwanted thing, it must be relevant to their lives.  Of course what happens to Boston is relevant to Bostonians, but is it relevant to those living in Michigan?  Is what happens in Michigan relevant to Californians?
Not so much.

So, in order for the entire world to shift the way in which they view reality there must be events that provide the inspiration in many different areas and on many different levels.  And, since time is speeding up (actually it only appears that way but more on that in another post), it appears that these negative incidents are happening more frequently.

The important thing here is to focus on HOW we are dealing with these events. 
Do we choose to focus on blame and revenge?  Do we responded by promoting fear-based programming and become fearful ourselves?
For my part, I chose to look at the recent events in Boston and made the decision to see the larger picture. 
It was a picture which illustrated the process of the unwanted giving rise to the wanted.  In other words, I was able to understand that it was exactly this type of event that makes possible the tremendously powerful coming together of peoples looking to create something better.  It was a strange feeling-this thought that , on some level, I might feel some form of gratitude to those who had caused so much suffering; but when I understood that I had been given an opportunity to learn more about compassion if I so chose, I learned to appreciate the lesson. 

I try to look at all episodes of negativity this way.  Perhaps I'm just noticing it more because it has been such a focus for me, but during this global shift I'm finding that more and more often others have followed suit.
By doing this, there is no negative situation that cannot give birth to something positive. 

Violent episodes, like the one in Boston, have no meaning aside from the meaning we assign to it.  What we take from the experience becomes more important than the experience itself.

So..."what is this world coming to?"

I, for one, am pretty optimistic.  :)

Why help? *What* you do vs. *Why* you do it.

It is possible to be addicted to "helping people."
But seeing ourselves as "helpers" is an attachment to an identity, or ego-construct to which we ascribe a positive value that we do not feel that we otherwise possess. Thus by helping other people we are also fueling our own egos.
Helping people is what fills the void where self-worth *should* be.
When helping others is the only thing that makes us feel like a good person, we are really feeding an addiction.
We are using people to fill the hole in our own self-worth.

As long as we are in this ego-driven mode (being "helpful" because it's the only thing that makes us feel good), we will attract nothing but those who *need help*, and because the Universe can be very literal, they will always need help. In other words, since we continue to wish to "help", whatever aid we give will never be enough because we are perpetuating the idea that someone *NEEDS* help as opposed to the vision that that person is empowered on their own. You simply cannot help someone to NOT be the underdog, if you yourself are focusing on them as if they are.
By doing this, you are operating from a mind-set of scarcity, so what you will ultimately create is more scarcity.

So do we give up on being helpful?
Absolutely Not.
But what is important is WHY you do it. 
There are people who are so centered that they simply enjoy helping.  They *already* know of their own value and are not trying to make something up. They are helping from a place of compassion instead of a place of need.
I can't help but think that this is one reason there is such a high burn-out rate in social service and human service jobs (I did 10 years and that was enough). Like them, I was focused on fighting this injustice or that injustice and I got what I was focused on-more fighting and more injustice.
It's an interesting paradox that possibly the people most likely to go into this kind of work are the people who are the least likely to do any good and the most likely to burn out. 
( In my own defense I have to say that my career in Human Services took place 20 years ago before I changed my thinking)  But it is important to understand what your state of being is when you do. 

If you are *inspired* to help, it is a signal that you are within the Universal flow and whatever aid you do give will generate positive results.
If you feel *obligated* to help, chances are that this will not feel good to you, and that is an indication that your efforts will *not* generate anything but more effort.
Focusing on the problem, brings more of it.
Focusing on the fight brings more powerlessness.

Some people give energy by helping, and some take it away by doing the same thing. The difference is how balanced they are as people in their own right.
So be honest with yourself, and help people as long as it does not detract from your own happiness.
That is the only way you can attract those who can *truly* benefit from your help.

Love Difficult People

I never do anything the easy way, not ever.
I like it that way.

You see, some people search for those who make them comfortable with who they are-they feel that these people complete them.  They want people who reflect back to them only the stuff they want to see.
And that’s fine.
But the problem is, is that if someone else completes them, they never grow. 
They will always be the same person they are now, incomplete without the crutch, never seeing the things that lead to growth. 
Some people spend their lives trying to adjust themselves to keep ahold of  the mirror that shows them all the pretty things they want to see.
They say, “I love you, and I need you to be this way if you want to ensure that I continue to love you because I can’t provide that piece for myself, .”  Sure, they may be comfortable for a time, but trust me on this- they have given away their power and are in survival mode; looking to maintain the attachment for the rest of their lives. 
When they look back searching for success, they will only find reminders of what they lost.

But others look for those who challenge them.  They search out people who make them grow, and through that growth they become better people.  It isn’t easy, and it isn’t always fun-but in the end what they learn is worth more than a thousand lives of comfort.
They appreciate difficult people who teach them to be responsible for their own actions.  Challenging people teach us to stand on our own because we are complete within ourselves.  We may have started by looking at ourselves and not liking what we see, and we may blame the other person for highlighting that; but we end by learning to love ALL of ourselves-and only that way can we ever learn to love anyone else.  They help us to change, and they give us a means to discover what we truly value, and what is really valuable.

People who challenge us stand in recognition of all that we are, and all that we could be.  They cause us to say, “I Love you in this moment, but I do not need you.  I choose to Love you in the next moment, and all the moments to come and I will Love you no matter who you are, and no matter what you do or how you change.”

When someone loves themselves because of what someone else sees, they need that someone else to reflect that back to them. 
But when someone loves themselves reregardless of what they see,  the WHOLE WORLD  will reflect to them the essence of that Love, and that Love will be shown no matter who they are.

These people are your Soul Mates, your Twin Flames.  They are part of you, embodied in another and exist to push you beyond your comfort zone. 
Sure, there is the risk of getting hurt, and it's WORK-but the gift of self-Love and self-Realization is worth it.
Take the easy way out?
Not me.
Not ever.
 I like it this way.

Writing From the Bottom of the Barrel

I don't consider it a complement when people tell me that I make Spiritual growth "look easy".
Here's why.

It's because it isn't.
And if someone looks to me, and thinks I'm having an easy time of it all, they begin to worry that there's something wrong with themselves if they are having problems.
So...

I made a mistake today.  It was a tiny thing, I was visiting a friend, and I put something in the wrong spot, and the other person involved approached me and explained gently what the issue was, why it was that way, and asked me to do something else.  He wasn't angry.  He wasn't hateful.  He didn't beat up on me about it.
He didn't have to.
Because I spend the next two hours beating up on myself enough for the both of us, and everyone else on the block (and their pets-and possibly their plants as well.).  You know how that works; you're embarrased over what happens so you get mad at yourself.  But NO!  I'm a Spiritual Being!  I forgive, and accept and, and and-!!
"And" nothing-you're mad at yourself for getting mad at yourself. 
And I didn't stop there. 
I went on to tell myself that I was somehow less competent than other people who seemed to "get it".  That I would never "get it".  I wasn't as good as they were.  I was useless, I never did anything right, I didn't deserve to have a happy life because I was just so plain stupid.  Why couldn't I make this work? (Oh, I had an answer to that, too.)
I just wasn't meant to be happy.
What a vicious cycle.
Sound familiar?
So, back to it "being easy"...

When I first began to study Shamanism about 14 years ago, and through that the odd mix of Spiritual views I practise now, I began with simply noticing what thoughts were dominant in my mind.  I didn't try to change them, I just noticed them.  I was reading a book called "Urban Shaman" by Serge Kahili King at the time, and that was what the book listed as the "first step".  Just taking a step back and looking without judgement at what that voice in your head was telling you-and how often it spoke.
What you might not understand here is that, in the beginning it was happening virtually 24/7.  I mean, ALL THE TIME. From the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep was one, non-stop tirade of negative down-talk.  I was certainly starting from a point at which is wasn't possible to sink any lower.
13 YEARS later, it still happens.

Not nearly as often, thank goodness-but when it does, it's still brings me to my knees.
So, don't feel too bad.
Obviously, I still struggle.
I wrote 6 pages in my journal today while I worked through that mistake.

Mistake?  Well...let's look at it another way. 
There are no mistakes.
What happened alerted me to something that I did not like.  With some pondering I was able to glean from that what my preferences were.  Once I did that, I had something to aim for-the feeling of what it would be like to have what I wanted.  What a wonderful key I was given-and I might not have discovered this if I hadn't had this experience.  So...was it a "mistake"?
I don't think so.
You shouldn't either. :)
Sure, for the three or so hours I spent wrestling with it-let's face it-it SUCKED.
But though it may sting a little, we can all choose to focus on what we learn. 
Eventually, that's all we'll remember.

On empowerment

"Empowerment is, in part, the ability to look at reality and say 'I know what I want, I deserve what I want, and this isn't it.'; and then walking away because you realize that you don't need it to be happy."
-Grace Gemini

The Eggs

The Eggs

There was a boy who was employed to carry eggs from the chicken coops at one end of a farm to the farmer's wife in her kitchen at the other end.  As the chickens laid eggs very slowly, he decided that it would be best to transport the eggs one at a time. And so whenever a chicken laid an egg, the boy put the egg in his basket and took it to the farmer.s wife.
He went on quite well until, one day, he stumbled on a rock. The egg rolled out of the basket, onto the ground and broke. The boy picked up all the broken pieces of shell, scooped up the gooey insides along with the dirt they had fallen on and put it all back in his basket. Then he went back to wait for the chickens to lay the next egg.
Unfortunately, the broken eggshells took up a lot of room in the basket and so the boy had to balance the next egg on top of the pile. Sure enough, the new egg slipped out of the basket before he reached the farmer's wife. So again, he picked up all the eggshells, scooped up all the other stuff and put it all back in his basket. Luckily, the chickens had laid another egg and so he carefully placed the egg on top of the pile and went on his way.
This time he walked veeeeerrrrry slooooowwwwly and carefully and he made it all the way into the yard by the kitchen door before the egg tumbled to the ground.  By this time the poor boy was quite upset and he began to cry very loudly. So loudly, that the farmer's wife came outside and asked the boy what the matter was.
"I was carrying an egg to you but it broke" he said, "so I put all the pieces back in the basket and went back for more eggs. They all broke too."  So I had to go back again, and again but by this time my basket was so full of eggshells and egg-insides that every egg I put in there fell out." and he sniffled and wiped away a tear.
"Oh dear",. said the farmer's wife. "This wont do at all."
So she emptied the basket full of egg into the slops heap for the pigs, and wiped it clean with the corner of her apron.  Then, she handed the basket back to the boy.
"There, there now, don't feel bad dear.", she smiled. "You see that even your broken eggs had a use, and your basket is now clean enough to fit more of the perfect ones."
The boy thanked her very much and left for the chicken coops again with his clean, empty basket. Along the way, he sang a little song:

"Out with the old to make room for the new!
That's how I work, and you should too!
Else you end up with egg on you!"

The moral of the story is more than "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
When we make a mistake, many of us gather up the pieces of that mistake and carry them with us. The problem is that filling ourselves up with the remnants of past mistakes by bringing them up over and over again leaves us little room in our "baskets" for new experiences. Best to admit to the mistake, let it go and move on. If we find a way to make use of what we've learned then so much the better!

Let Go Of The Past

Someone I know is fond of saying that she is living the last ten years of her life over and over again; it's much truer than she knows.
It got me thinking about the last few years of *my* life--and the events that have
brought me to this point; and I realized that I am also "living the last ten years of
my life".
Every day, I spend time thinking about what has happened in that time, all the
mistakes I've made, hurtful things suffered at the hands of others, things I've
lost--just like this lady--and I have been forgetting one of the most basic of all
Huna principals "The moment of power is now".

As humans, we all live in linear time, which is really just a paradigm that forms the
boundaries around our lives so we can understand what is going on. In a nutshell it
means we begin at the beginning and finish at the end. "Power" is defined by the
amount of influence one thing has over another, therefore we have no "power" to
change the past (not yet, at least). Likewise, although we might have influence over
our paths, we cannot directly affect the future either. Well, folks, that leaves...you
got it...now.

The only moment of power we truly have is in this very second. So perhaps the
important question is not "what did I do then" but rather "what can I do now?". My
friend robs herself of power daily by dwelling on past mistakes and injustices. She
lets her experiences then frame her reactions to her experiences now. Her
relationships have suffered, she has not accomplished what she wants to do.
Likewise, she robs herself of power by worrying about what the future will bring
her. Notice I say "will bring her" because with this mind-set she believes that life is
something that happens to her. That sure as hell looks to me like she has given up
the steering wheel.
This leaves me with some interesting conclusions;

1) it is impossible to live in the present without letting go of the past (meaning; old
patterns that still hamper you).

2) it is impossible to plan for the future without living in the present.

3) the only influence the past can have over us is what we allow it to have.

4) Everything changes.

5) breaking old patterns is the key to living in the present.

To apply the principal;
I think that people often miss out on some of the more valuable interactions in life
by looking at one thing but truly seeing something else--something whose image is
generated by patterns created by past events.
Take each day as it comes. Don't hold yourself back from trying something
because something in your past gave you pain--this limits you and steals your
power.
See things as they are now, not what you think they might become or as they
"should be".
Coincidentally, I've recently been contacted by a few old acquaintances from many
years ago. I'm not sure what they're expecting, but I feel that it's important for me
to say the following;
See me as I am now. I made many mistakes. I was trapped in the past and by the
future when you knew me but that doesn't mean I love you any less. If I offended
you or hurt you, by word or deed then please forgive me. I am not now what I was
then, please give me the benefit of the doubt and take the time to get to know me
again.
I have learned a lot. I am a much more valuable person because of it. I will have
skills that will benefit you and I give them willingly in appreciation of your
friendship, and I will not ask for more than you can give.
Give me a chance, moment-to-moment. Don't look away to the past.
Realize that fear of dealing with me comes from you and coming from you can be
conquered by you.
Don.t see me as I was, don't picture me as you would like me to be. Be with me
now, in this moment thus preserving your power and mine.

Are you? Am I?

Someone on a dating site recently told me that I was “Emotionally Unavailable” because of the way I worded my profile.
Specifically, he took issue with my identification as “monogamous” and “seeing someone” relative to the fact that I still had a profile on the site in the first place.  He said that by maintaining an active profile, I was doing nothing more than “setting up other men for eventual disappointment when they find that they can not occupy a place in (my) your emotions”
This guy has no idea who I am, and so this kind of pissed me off.  But he struck a nerve-and after my shock at the strength my own reaction, I took another look at myself.
Was it true?
My partner (for lack of a better choice of labels) is not monogamous, and I accept him completely and without reservation.
Being monogamous myself, this means I get challenged emotionally.  
A Lot.
It’s not easy to be brave, or to stay positive; and sometimes frankly I get frustrated.  Sure, I could conceivably go searching for someone who thought exactly the way I do.  Perhaps I’d even find him, and maybe it would be pleasant.  Add that to the other issues involved in living my life-financial, health, and emotional  woes included, and maybe it *would* be easier to function by shutting down completely. 
But I don’t.
I asked myself “What would it be like to have an easy life?”
And my immediate thought was; “But where’s the growth in that?”
Where’s.
The.
Growth.
In.
That.
I chose this relationship, as I’ve chosen many other things in my life, in part for the growth it provides.  I choose because I see and understand that there are many different ways of living a life.  From his comment, I see that “Mr. Unavailable” sees things in more rigid terms.  If A is correct, then B is incorrect-so to speak.  There is nothing really wrong with that, but I have a different perspective where both A and B are correct, nothing is really exclusive.
I’ll be the first one to admit that monogamous and non-monogamous creates an unusual pairing.  My partner and I catch static from both sides. It takes some work.  In order to communicate my needs to someone who is occasionally focused elsewhere, I need to be in touch with my own feelings.  I need to know what stems from a situation and what might be concerned more with some insecurity on my part.  I need to be alert and sensitive to his signals when perhaps more space is needed.  I need to be adept at identifying the thought patterns that do not serve me, and finding the things that I really enjoy doing to stay centered.
In other words, in order to function on all these levels it is absolutely essential that I remain aware and open emotionally
I have to have the strength to realize who I am and admit it, even though it might be more comforting to bow to outside pressure, or fool myself into believing that I’m something I’m not.  And I see my partner for who he is, though it may be tempting to soothe myself with the thought and false hope that somehow I could “change” him.
Sure, I’m scared. I could get hurt.  But I’m learning as I go.  So is he.
So far, so good.
So, you see, Mr. “Emotionally Unavailable”, I understand where you are coming from.  I understand that your comment was an expression of fear-nobody wants to get hurt.  And hopefully now you see that my profile here is less of an attempt to “set people up for failure” and more of a testament to my belief in the value of all individuals to add to a life-even if it’s not sexually.
It’s not easy, but I do it and have faith that whatever happens will be for the best.
Can’t be more open than that.

On Being Selfish

"The more you wake up in Life, the more you realize that 'selfish' isn't the negative word you thought it was. You are A Universe of 1; complete, self-contained and infinite. Since everything you see in your world is a reflection of you, the only thing you can do is focus on your own happiness and you will see that happiness reflected back to you in the form of the people and situations around you. So being "selfish" is the first step in helping 'The World' to be at its very best. "
-Grace Gemini

What Good May Come Of It-A Father's Legacy

There is no delicate way of saying this.

My father was a crook.

And a recent reunion of 3 of his 6 children from 5 different mothers sparked a conversation about his life and how sad it was that such an apparently brilliant man wasted his intelligence and skills on a life of crime.

As a Shaman, I appreciate the lessons that we come to this Earth to learn when it comes to the larger picture.  I understand that, in Spiritual terms, my father's existence provides lessons and experiences that are unique to his children and what we do with those lessons helps us to realize who we are.  For that, at least, I am forever grateful to the man and his spirit for being there to teach me that.
Yeah.
Sure.
Right.
;)

But it seemed, on another, more "Earthy" and In-Your-Face level, to be such a sad waste of talent and potential for him to have gone the way he did.  My awareness of the "bigger picture" did little to soothe the hurt feelings of the 3 year old child inside me who became aware that there was something "different" about my history with respect to other children.  What my family avoided speaking about told me much more than the short, terse answers I got when I was old enough to start asking difficult questions.  It's hard not to assume that this somehow reflects on your worth as a person; especially for a child.
The mothers of his children have a particular point of view concerning their experiences with my father, and their opinions are, shall we say, less than complementary.
Before I met these men, my brothers, I was resigned to incorporate this vibration into my own being, and thought I had made peace with it all.  But as we chatted easily together, it became apparent that there might be a connection that transcended the common pain and chaos our father had caused for each of us.  As we exchanged the bits of knowledge that we had, and discovered more about this man, we slowly discovered things about each other that provided a different picture.

From my brother Joe, I learned that my father painted and had considered attending art school at one time.  Painting is a skill I discovered for myself only recently- it surprised me more than anyone, but it made sense to me that somehow I may have inherited this unknown talent in part from my father.

From my brother James, we learned that my father had studied law and became a paralegal while still incarcerated.  My brother James certainly inherited this practical intelligence and became a successful businessman who left a steady job to strike out on his own.  In the middle of a recession, he used his skills and knowledge as an engineer to build his own branch of an international company. He had the flexibility to accept and appreciate his two sons for the exceptional individuals they are, and they have flourished. 

Out of the 6 of us, Joe spent the longest time with our father in his life, and though he had more of a negative example, he turned it around and took away important lessons concerning family and responsibility.  He works hard providing for his 3 daughters in a way that our father never did.  He channeled his anger into martial arts, and is still well-remembered in relevant circles as a talented Thai Kick-boxer and instructor.  Joe balanced his physical existence with a deeply Spiritual side.  He takes pride in that, and so do the rest of us.

Though I do not know them as well, I can see that my father's legacy was not limited to the three of us.  My sister Marjory has a sense of aesthetic that rivals the most experienced interior designer.  She built a beautiful home for her family.
My sister Alicia, however, inherited our father's temper.  But, instead of turning those feelings into negative actions, she developed a sense of justice and outspokenness that we all admired.  Unfortunately, she passed away before I could meet her in person, but we did speak often by phone.  We both worked hard to put ourselves through school and we shared stories about those challenges.  Of all of us, it was Alicia who was able to stand up to our father and tell him in no uncertain terms just what she thought of him.  And though we may have cringed a little on the outside when she did it, inside we were all cheering her on for doing what we all wish we had the guts to do for ourselves. 

Of the 6, I know the least about George, who lives a quiet life in the mid-west with his wife and children.  He doesn't seem to feel the need to put what happened in perspective, nor does he seem to spend a lot of time soul-searching and sharing his experiences with the rest of his siblings.  Maybe our father, who was a poor Cuban immigrant, did what he did on some level in order to fit in with his ideal of the rich, successful American. Of course, what we do, we do because we think that it will make us happy, and it seems that, out of all of us, George has come the closest to realizing the kind of life that our father wanted.   George seems happy.  Without the glamor, without the glitz and showy possessions; he is happy.
Perhaps that's the greatest gift of all.

Looking at all of us through the lens of greater understanding, my brothers James and Joe and I realized that our father's life may not have been as much of a waste as we had thought.  Though there are many holes in the story that may never be filled in, we know that in terms of his children at least, there was a positive outcome to my father's existence.
I can know who I am, and be proud of who I am.  Partially because of it all, and admittedly partially in spite of it all-but nonetheless; proud of all of who I am; the negative and the positive.
And I have a great family.
I've said that before.
But until now I've never been able to say this;
Thanks, Dad.

The Gift. Happy Holiday's To All

An older story, but still relevant.  I hope you Enjoy it!



A little boy sat on the living room floor with legs crossed, deep in thought.
Colorful scraps of paper, glittering confetti and curling ribbon attached to pieces of Scotch tape lay crumpled and strewn in chaotic piles around his knees. He stretched out a slippered foot and sullenly kicked at a bit of the stuff, turning it
over with his toes. The call of discarded wrapping paper shown red, green and gold. It glimmered cheerily in the lights of the tree and the fireplace, but did nothing to brighten his mood.
Another happily squashed wad of paper landed nearby and the boy looked up to the source of the litter. All the other family members had already opened their presents, and how it was his mother's turn.

"Oh John! It's Beautiful!" she exclaimed with delight. "I have wanted something like this for just the longest time!" She held the box in her hands, lovingly pulled out the expensive bracelet inside and held out her arm to her husband who was
sitting next to her on the couch. "Put it on me, wont you dear?"
The diamonds winked and twinkled on her wrist as her hands moved across the various boxes and packages still arranged in neat piles within easy reach. One by one the festive wrappings were torn away to reveal their wondrous contents. There was a big, fluffy bathrobe with matching slippers in just that shade of blue that matched mother's eyes from sister Amanda. They sat on the boxes of matching note-cards, pen and address book from Grandma which were covered in pansies; his mother's favorite flower.
There were pearl earrings from Aunt Julia, and a new, fine leather brief case from brother Jim. At last there were only two items left. The woman smiled as she reached for a tall, square package; this one wrapped neatly in silver paper covered in blue stars. The box was topped with a loopy blue and silver ribbon so huge that it nearly covered the entire top of the box. The whole family oooooohed and ahhhhed over the magnificent wrapping; but that was nothing compared to their reaction when the box was opened. Inside the beautiful paper, swaddled in confetti and bubble-wrap, was a china plate.
This was not just any porcelain plate, but a very expensive and delicate one. It had cranes painted on it. Oriental ladies fanned themselves and strolled under blossoming cherry trees, across a bridge that spanned a lovely little river. Water lilies floated in the water, and their blooms were painted in colors so delicate that the little boy thought he could almost reach out and pick one. The inside of the plate was creamy white, and the rim was painted in gold that shone brightly in the light of the
fireplace.
"This is too much," said mother. She ran her hand over the edge, taking in the smooth coolness under her fingertips. She turned the plate over in her hands, watching the way the light played across the translucent finish.
"I have never seen anything so beautiful!" she cried. "This is the best Christmas ever!" She stood up and gently lifted the plate and placed it on the mantle in between a pair of silver candlesticks. She stepped back to admire it and smiled. Then she sat down once again and reached for the last present.

This package was different from all the rest. It had a bow made from many bits of different colored yarn that was tied around wrapping paper made from a brown paper grocery bag. Stars and swirls of color were drawn all over the paper in crayon; the artist seemingly determined to use every color in the crayon box. This box was not wrapped as neatly as the others; its corners were not perfectly crisp and the tape stuck out in places. Nevertheless, she lifted it gingerly into her lap and opened it with care.
Inside the rather sorry-looking wrapping was an even sorrier-looking item. It was a pot made of clay.
"What's this?" she asked, lifting the pot from its box and turning it over in her hands. "Is this for me?" The poor little pot was thicker on one side than the other and was painted with bright yellow and orange flowers that could only be described as "noisy". The rim of the pot, if indeed the pot had a rim, was painted blue with yellow spots. There were thumb-prints dried into the bottom and it didn't sit quite straight on the table. It leaned to one side in a way that looked
to the little boy as if the clay had partially melted.  Mother held it out at arm's length, blue eyes scanning the lumpy clay. "Did you make this for me?" she said, smiling to the little boy.
"Yes", he nodded looking nervously at the floor. He had spent a whole afternoon on it. His eyes traveled to the mantle where the china plate sat, gleaming regally.
"But it.s not very good". He said.
"Not very good?! Well I think it.s wonderful." Said mother. She reached out and ruffled the boy's unruly hair. She carried the little pot to the kitchen where she placed it on the table. It wobbled just a little, but otherwise stayed put.

In time the holidays passed as holidays do, and the little boy grew up as little boys do. Through the years, the beautiful china plate with the cranes and ladies on it stayed on the mantle; and the little boy.s mother dusted it once a week. When
people visited, she always took them to see the mantle where the plate stood between the candlesticks.
"This is my beautiful china plate", she told them. "I got it for Christmas but we mustn't use it. It's much too delicate." The company nodded solemnly and moved on.
When the children grew up, and left to start families of their own, Mother and Father decided to move to a smaller house. The beautiful china plate was lovingly and carefully wrapped up in its bubble-wrap and confetti and placed into the new
attic along with the candle sticks, and other boxes filled with photo albums and baby clothes that had long been outgrown. When the little boy, who was not so little any more, came to visit he found the old, lumpy clay pot filled with apples
and sitting on the dining room table. The noisy little flowers were faded now, and somebody had glued a little piece of cork to the bottom so that the pot no longer wobbled. "I didn't think you had kept this", he said thinking sullenly back to that morning with the tree and the china plate, where was that plate anyway?
He looked around.
No plate.
"Oh dear!!" Mother laughed. "I don't know what I'd do without my little clay pot!"
She removed the fruit and turned the pot over lovingly. "It still has your little thumb prints here all over the bottom! This pot used to have all my paper clips in it. Do you remember when it sat on Father's desk?"
The young man nodded.
"And I planted grandma's pansies in it, before they got too big in the Spring."
She went on, "And last Summer we filled it with sand and used it to prop open the
screen door! I kept my gardening supplies in it this Fall and it held down the paper
on my desk when I was working on the Christmas cards. Last week I had it filled
with pens and pencils by the phone! This pot has been the best present I've
ever gotten, and you made it for me all by yourself!"
The young man smiled and put the pot back on the table. He took a bite out of an
apple, then, whistling happily, he followed his mother into the kitchen for something to drink.

On Meditation

"Many people think that meditation is the process of training the mind. I prefer to think of it as a process by which we learn to percieve with the heart without the conscious or unconscious judgement and self-editing of the human mind. When someone says "keep this in mind", I think "Take this to heart" because I think that the heart is really the seat of Human intelligence and the key to global consciousness."
-Grace Gemini