Dog-nabbit

Yesterday I posted an entry concerning the memories and synchronicity that had been manifesting around me.  (You can read that here:  http://grace-in-search-of-grace.blogspot.com/2014/07/dog-gone.html  )

I was at a loss as to why this was coming up now

Well, this morning I had a sort of epiphany.
In addition to the dog videos that have come across my path, there have also been a number of recent cases where I have been asked to assist in the re-homing of a pet.
The most recent was just this morning, in fact.

Now, I don't really consider myself to be an Animal Activist, but one thing that deeply saddens me is the thought of an animal being unwanted.  Without getting into the reasons behind this (that's for another entry!) I resonate strongly with that feeling.

Looking back on this, I realized that there was, indeed, a connection to the processing that I began not too long ago.  So now, it is clear that the thought of an unwanted animal really ties into my own feelings of abandonment.  After all, what is more forsaken than a companion animal who is taken into a home with the inherent obligation that that action includes a life-time of love and care, only to be left by the people it loves.

I've seen stories and videos of companion animals living in the garage next to the house they used to live in for as long as two years, waiting for their deceased owners to return.  I do not know if animals are capable of the kind of processing necessary to understand and integrate the experience, but I'm sure that the loss does not go unnoticed.

The memory that came up is all tangled up in the feelings of abandonment/forsaken/unwanted/bereft-and, perhaps not-so coincidentally, all these words have come up in my journal work in recent weeks.

I find that I have a passion for connecting abandoned companion animals with new owners who will Love them.  Obviously, in doing that, I am attempting to ameliorate some of my own energetic baggage.

The experience with my neighbor's dog coming up at this time, also makes sense to me now.

As humans, we do not really possess a "thinking body" until we are about 8 years old.  Before that age, we simply feel, and sometimes as we get older, we are left with memories that consist of feelings and emotions but have no real words associated with them.
The current "Me" has the sophistication to understand that it may be gentler and more loving to let an animal go.  There are pain and quality of life issues that need to be addressed, and I can deal with that now.
But, the 7 year old "Then Me" did not have those intellectual  resources.
As far as I knew, Duffy was taken away because he was old.  I didn't see why that was necessary-my grandparents were old, and nobody was taking *them* away.  I must have found it terribly unfair.  I must have thought that he was simply unwanted, and that it was tragic to be put out simply for that reason when *I* sure wanted him.

I guess it's a good thing for something that I had obviously shut out for so long to come up for integration.
I guess it's a good thing to have just that much more understanding of why I do things the way I do.  
I guess it's a good thing to become more familiar with who I really am.
I guess I have reasons now to be grateful for those experiences which led to it all.

Sooo.....
Godspeed Duffy, King, Dukey, Shoep, Je-ju, Mitsy, Bell, Snowball, Zephyr, and all the others.

And, Thank you.

Dog-gone.

I'm sure there is a reason for this, but frankly, that doesn't make it any easier.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time trying some techniques for integration. (If in the unlikely event, you don't know what I mean, watch this:)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3V_Gtfr_YA&list=PLoME_J8FevCD481r3UzlI7tdd1i3WsqBt&feature=player_embedded



One thing that gets mentioned a lot is that while involved in a process like this, old memories come up; and the occasional suppressed memory tags along for the ride.
I'm an animal activist, and recently, Synchronicity has put two videos in front of my face, both about dogs and their bond with their owners when the dog becomes ill and must leave this life. One was about a dog named "Dukey" and another about a dog named "Shoep". You can probably find them online if you really want to.

As if *that* wasn't enough to make me cry-and it did.
A lot-
Continuously.
Emotionally.
You get the point...
I remembered something from my childhood.
I was not allowed to have pets as a child, though I wanted one desperately. I became close to the dog across the street, a yellow lab named Duffy, and I visited him almost every day. His owner, Mrs. Olen, was an elderly woman and she was always very kind to me.
One day, when I was about 7, I remember getting into my mother's car, with Mrs. Olen and Duffy in the back seat. This was unusual as animals were never allowed in the cars.
I have a very clear vision of looking over my shoulder into Duffy's eyes and asking what was going on. My mother said we were taking Duffy to the vet, and she wouldn't say anything else.
I don't remember a single thing about that day aside from those 3 minutes although I'm sure I must have gone to the vet and waited with my mother to drive Mrs. Olen (and presumably, Duffy) home but search as I might, I cannot recall it.

But I am certain now, because the feelings I felt watching these two videos were identical to the feelings I felt when Duffy suddenly wasn't across the street any more, that it was on that day years ago that we took Duffy to be put to sleep.

I think I disassociated from the grief I must have felt then, and guess what guys! It's coming up NOW in the aftermath of having come across those two videos.
Poor Duffy. Maybe if I had had the strength to remain focused at the time, I might have made his transition easier, I might have said goodbye, I might have had some closure.
But I didn't.

Just *why* this memory is apparently so important to relive isn't clear, but it's apparent that there is a lesson in there somewhere. What might you tell that child who was in the car, with a good friend about to die, and wasn't aware enough to be of any help?
It has been a really rough and raw couple of days-does anyone have any insight into this?

Spiritual Evolution in Personal Relationships; or, Give Me A Bananna

One must evolve in order to stay happy in a relationship long term.  This ability is essential for two reasons.  Well, to be honest it's more than 2, but we'll just look at the two most important ones.
Every aspect of your relationship with others will change over time.
Every.
Aspect.
The reasons that brought you together initially may continue to exist, or they may disappear, and without the ability to let go and remain flexible, a person can begin to focus on the loss and in doing so will miss the burgeoning positive aspects of that same relationship.  Remember, continual focus on the negative brings more negative to light.

That being said, it takes a great deal of strength to let go of expectations.
I'm not talking about a level of performance you aspire to attract in others-I'm talking about those things that you know and count on happening from day to day.
There is an old proverb that goes; "Better the Devil that you do know than the Devil that you don't." , and it means, in general, that given the choice, people tend to opt for familiarity over relief.  That means that even if a situation is unpleasant; one will remain involved in it because it is familiar and all the variables are known. I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to see how this applies to relationships.
Personally, I believe that the one thing a person dislikes more than a negative quality about something, is to be surprised by it.  It is those who are able to see through the illusion of circumstance and assign other meanings (or no meanings) to them are the ones who will be best able to remain stable while disruption occurs around them.
Simply said, becoming comfortable in handling the unexpected is a sign of Spiritual Growth/Evolution. 
Personal growth makes it easier to become comfortable in handling the unexpected, which leads to your ability to remain unattached to a particular outcome, which leads to less stress when things change around you.

The other reason that one must evolve in order to stay happy has to do with the reality of any relationship with another.
Any relationship you experience is actually a single facet of your relationship with yourself.  We become involved in a relationship to study specific aspects of our own selves-be it passion, broken-ness, pain, talent; it is all related back to the self in terms of likeness (i.e. "This person is like me-I also have this quality" or "This person is not like me-I do not have this quality")  Even though we are noticing that a quality is missing in ourselves with relation to the other person, ultimately we must still focus on ourselves in order to notice that the quality is missing.
OK
That was confusing.  Let's try this:
You are green and your friend is orange.  In order to realize that your orange friend is different from the green you, you must know that you are green.
In order to do that, you have to look at YOURSELF.
That's better.
Finding acceptance and happiness within yourself is another sign of Spiritual Growth.

Congratulations, by experiencing the same/otherness of another person, you have just identified something about yourself.  Committing to a relationship is equal to making a commitment to becoming self-aware.  This is why many cultures consider marriage to be a Spiritual state.
 If we cannot learn to accept and integrate what we become aware of, we leave portions of our selves attached to a negative emotional charge.  Even without a long and involved explanation about the Law of Attraction, how long will you want to stay in a relationship that continually reflects the unliked bits of yourself back at you?  And there is a big difference between "I HATE that about myself, I won't do that anymore" and "Well, I know I have a tendency to be that way but it's who I am.  But that doesn't mean I have to stay that way."

In many ways, acceptance of self is a form of high Spiritual practice-and it encompasses the ideas of remaining non-judgmental, flexible, centered and the ability to let go of the familiar and non-productive for the productive but non-familiar. 
In other words;
Evolution.

Tell It To The Judge.

Ugly.
Stupid.
Smelly.
Sickening.
Racist.
Disgusting.

Many of you who read the above words will experience a feeling of discomfort.
When a word evokes an unpleasant or uncomfortable feeling from an individual, the word is sometimes said to "carry a negative emotional charge".  Every word you speak, think or write carries an emotional charge-which is largely determined by the experiences and perspective of the listener/thinker/reader.
Writers are particularly aware of this. Just as visual artists use symbols, form and color to evoke or convey emotion, writers use things like word choice, punctuation and adjectives to evoke certain emotions from their readers-this is how they convey the meaning of the story-and keep people interested in reading their books!

When a person assigns a (most often negatively) charged  word to a situation or thing, they are often said to be "judgmental"-and this is often vilified by the New Age Community.

Are they?
OF COURSE THEY ARE.

But is this necessarily a "bad" thing?

Of all the words in use in our language today, especially among those of the New Age Community, I feel that the word judgment carries the biggest negative charge of all.  Many Spiritual Teachers teach that judgment is a by-product of the ego, and therefore is something that must be released in order to attain true enlightenment.  Buddhist philosopher, Chogyam Trungpa had this to say;

"The attainment of enlightenment from the ego's point of view is extreme death".

While I agree that attachment (another no-no among the Non-deist philosophies) stems from the ego, and that judgment is a form of attachment , I think that the attachment that is inherent in being judgmental is more subtle than just the ego trying to perpetuate itself.


Let me explain.

With regard to our New Age friends, what you are really "attached" to here are the assumptions that;
1)  A always represents B.
          and, ironically
2) To have this point of view is always a bad thing.

But let's take another look at the nature of judgment.
Many of the day-to-day decisions made by our brains, based on the input of our senses, happen automatically-and far too fast for us to really register that a decision has been reached.

(Now, for those of you who adhere more strongly to dictionary definition may feel that this continual process does not really qualify as "judgment".  But the thesaurus gives many equivalents to the word judgment, such as estimation, evaluation, decision and intelligence, which may be more acceptable to you, but still mean the same thing.  This is a good example of a judgment-that judgment is an inappropriate word based on your beliefs.  I'm not doing this to get under your skin, dear literal friends-but I am trying to make a point.)

So what this means is that a person is immersed in a constant stream of information that that comes from the outside stimulation, which, in turn, is interpreted by their senses and influenced by their own beliefs and perceptions-in other words, judgment.  They do this many times a minute-even a decision as simple as "I will sit in this chair because I judge it sturdy enough to hold my weight" is a judgment.
Forming a preference is a judgment.   
Making a decision is a judgment.
Expressing a desire is a judgment.
Taking a step is a judgment.
Being human means being judgmental.  That's it.  It's that simple.
So judgment is really not the issue here and has gotten a bad rap.

The problem comes, as I see it, when a particular word carries an emotional charge, and that causes us to attribute a value judgment (to deem better or worse with relation to something else) to it which evokes a reaction from you that does not serve you.  That is the "attachment" that the Non-deist and New Age philosophies would have you avoid, not the word itself or even the meaning.
Our preferences are not what hold us back; it is the belief that our judgments make us a better or worse person than someone with a different judgment.  It is also the fear that the opinion of those who assign us a negative value is somehow more valid than our own.
Judgment only becomes dangerous when it is used to shore up our own self-esteem or to undermine the self esteem of another.

So, what to do.....

The first step is to stop beating yourself and others up over doing what your very nature compels you to do.

The next step is to loosen the hold of our value judgments.  This allows us to examine more closely the world around us.  We are forced to examine each thing, in each moment without getting hung up on whether something is negative or positive-better or worse.
It simply is and is allowed to exist as it is-which, in my judgment, is pretty good.  :)

Happy Father's Day

The truth of who we are and the truth of our roles in our children's lives are not limited to a single pattern defined by a greeting card company.
In reality, our roles are much more fluid than that and we all embody characteristics of both the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Both of these aspects are equal and should be honored wherever they occur.
So in addition to those wonderful men who are raising their children either singly or as part of a team, I would also like to wish a happy Father's Day to all the women, like my mother, who pulled "double duty" being both mother and father to a child.

May your day contain all the joy that a day can bring.
Namaste

""Chaos exists as a state of unlimited, equal potentials. Artists impose order on chaos, pulling, from that unlimited and equal state in order to realize those potentials which speak most clearly to them. This makes them as much magicians in their own right as those who work exclusively with the energies of the Universe."
-Grace Gemini

What Is All This Turmoil For Anyway?

The other day, a new friend asked me why so many people who were focused on the ascension process seemed to be going through such emotional turmoil.
I explained it like this:

It's a matter of density and how density affects reality. 
The world and physical reality as we know it are considered to be of "third density".  The less dense you become (going up the scale-we are in the process of moving from third to fourth density.), the faster reality responds to your thoughts.  So the process that appears to be emotional turmoil with regard to ascension is really the process of getting control of our own thoughts so we don't get stuck manifesting things out of fear when we become less dense.  We're peeling away the layers, discovering all the impediments to clear thought.  Huna calls this "cleaning out the tube"-meaning removing and healing all the thoughts and beliefs which alter our clear asking because you can have anything you desire to the degree that your belief system allows you to believe you can.

Take another look at my blog entry "Stop Filling in the Blanks".  In essence, it's about learning to recognize those hidden thoughts that come up in any given situation.  That's important.
Why? 
Because thoughts create emotions, and emotions create vibrations which, in turn, create your reality.
What do I mean? 
Imagine yourself suddenly at 4th density-a place where your thoughts manifest very, very quickly. Reality responds to your thoughts, so these hidden thoughts, such as "they hate me", "this happens to me every time because I'm not meant to succeed" and the like will be much more likely to come about for you.  You will experience situations in which you cannot succeed, and you will have experiences with people who act as though they dislike you.  If you hold a thought at this level like "I need a new car", but you ALSO hold a belief that goes "Nothing good ever lasts for me", what do you think will happen?
Well, you will probably get the car because you don't hold any belief that it won't come to you, BUT it will be likely to break down, or you may wreck it-whatever it is that fulfills your belief that it wasn't going to last anyway.
See?

(As a side note, if you're a Trekker like I am, as silly as this may sound, you can re-watch the Classic episode entitled "Shore Leave" to see an idea of what I'm talking about-or check out this link for a synopsis of the plot: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shore_Leave_(Star_Trek:_The_Original_Series))

Why do we equate this with emotional turmoil?

It's HARD to take a look at your whole self.  You're guaranteed to find things that shock you, beliefs that repulse you, thoughts that annoy you, disappointments, negative habits, assumptions that do not serve you, etc.  It's HARD to see these things, LOVE them, and accept them so you can change them.  It's HARD to admit that the biggest thing holding you back from all you desire in life is *yourself*.  It's HARD to realize that you had the choices all along, and HARD to be responsible for the ones you made.  And above all, it's HARD to realize that the only person who can change this for you is YOU.

So turmoil? Perhaps.
But certainly NOT a harbinger of doom.  It's just a necessary part of the ascension process.
What will you find when you begin to take a good look at yourself?
Well, I can only tell you this for sure; the first fear you have to eliminate is the fear to begin.

Namaste

Stop Filling In The Blanks

Because the Ego is continuously fighting for survival to justify its existence, it takes it upon itself to know everything- even when there is no information with which to form an opinion.  Its need to be in charge is so great that it supplies "facts" to make up for the unknown elements of a given situation. 
In other words; it just makes stuff up.
We are all involved in a constantly evolving story-line of our own creating.
This week, I had a first-hand opportunity to see how this can wreak havoc with my life.

It began with a flat tire.
Well, not completely flat, but on its way to that state.  The car, however, belonged to a friend of mine, and they informed me with a sense of utter certainty that someone had let the air out of the tire; and that this act was done in an attempt to "get back" at my friend for something.
Not that my friend "believed" someone had done this, but that someone had done it.

I took a look at the event, the realization that one tire was low on air, and decided that it didn't quite add up to evidence of a malicious act.  Why did they just take some of the air out?  Why did they only do this on one tire? Wouldn't someone who was being truly malicious want to cause the greatest amount of inconvenience to their victim?  Wouldn't they let the air out of all the tires-or, at the very least let all the air out of one tire?
But my friend was already caught up in the natural progression of thought which went something like this:
If one was to assume that someone let some of the air out of one of the tires, then there had to be a reason why. 
The reason why was obviously something negative.  They were trying to "get back" at my friend.  They were unfriendly people.  They were making a political statement.  They were ignorant.  etc etc etc....
That led to my friend to feel  disliked, unsafe and threatened. 

Now, hold on here.  We do not actually know what really happened.  But the owner of the car went automatically to the negative.  Is the preferred state of being to feel unsafe and threatened?  No, that certainly does not serve me.
Then why do it?

Well, it seemed obvious to me.
There was no reason to do it.
Knowing that people around me often reflected my own beliefs, I decided to take a look at myself, and Goodness, what a mess I found!

Turns out, I do the same thing on many, many subjects.  Someone didn't return a text because they must be mad at me.  Someone offered me a gift in order to buy me off in some way.  I didn't get asked to a place because my company is not as enjoyable as someone else's.  Someone didn't like my Facebook Post, I'm not as good as other people who post and get "liked".

Sheesh!

To show you what I mean, I'll take a specific entry from my journal:

Situation:
Someone didn't return a text.

Old Thoughts:
They are mad at me.  I've offended them somehow.  Other people probably get their texts returned right away.  I bet other people get lots of communication.  I am being excluded.  I am less worthy.  Something is being hidden from me.

Of course, none of this made me feel good about anything, in fact, thoughts like this often just brought me to tears.
So I continued;

It COULD be they are simply busy.
Perhaps other people are getting the same treatment.
Perhaps they have not gotten my message.
Perhaps they do not know how to answer.
They don't like to text.
They are having some quiet time.
The phone is not working.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY AND THAT'S OK

I release the need to know WHY-and I no longer fill in these blanks.  The event is neutral and even though I do not, at this time, see how it will work out positively, I accept that it will and leave it where it is.  The Universe is working hard to send me what I desire.  I'm getting a handle on this and as painful as it is to face, I'm proud that I have figured it out and I KNOW I have the strength to face it."

There could be any number of reasons, NONE of which pointed to anything negative about me or how I was being treated, but the point is not really to assign some specific meaning (though positive possibilities feel better than repeating the negative ones), it is to remember that there is no inherent pain in any given situation.  They are all neutral.  The meaning they have is what we assign to them.  Our physical mind is not designed to know and understand every little detail so stop forcing it to do something it isn't designed to do.
I went through my present thoughts and did a process like the above for every instance where I realized I was filling in the blanks for something I didn't know.
Even if you don't believe, as I do, that Reality is directed by your thoughts and vibration, why would you choose to suffer those negative thoughts before you really, REALLY have a reason?

And if you do agree with me about the nature of Reality, then you can see how putting out a vibe of negative expectation just causes those expectations to be realized.
Your mind is designed to take account of how things are happen-ING, NOT to determine how something happened or will happen.  It is a great, in-the-moment interpreter, and that's all it's supposed to be.  It functions best when we are in the present moment and there are many systems of belief that say the same thing.

Have faith that things happen for a reason, but don't knock yourself out or worse-make yourself cry, wondering what that reason is.  Just remember that when the time comes for you to know, and it will, that everything will become clear; and that reason will always turn out to be the very best for you. 
Whatever the actual reason behind the low tire, from my perspective it happened to bring another layer of myself to my attention so that it could be healed-and that turned out to be a very good thing.

"What Is This World Coming To?"

This is a question that someone recently asked of me.
"I can answer that, but you won't like it.", I said.
"Tell me anyway.", they said.

OK...here goes.

In recent times, it seems that there has been an increase in unpleasant happenings.  We look at the news coming from Boston (my home town) and other places, and at first glance it looks as though the state of the world is going down the drain. 

Now pay attention to what I said; "AT FIRST GLANCE".
But think.
Many of you know and understand that we are in the midst of a global shift in consciousness.  But what some don't realize is that in order for this shift to occur, there has to be a motivation.  In other words, every improvement in the world that has ever taken place has happened because someone recognized a thing or situation that they did not prefer and focused on an improved version of it. 
"But why so much?" you ask...

Well, in order for someone to care about changing the unwanted thing, it must be relevant to their lives.  Of course what happens to Boston is relevant to Bostonians, but is it relevant to those living in Michigan?  Is what happens in Michigan relevant to Californians?
Not so much.

So, in order for the entire world to shift the way in which they view reality there must be events that provide the inspiration in many different areas and on many different levels.  And, since time is speeding up (actually it only appears that way but more on that in another post), it appears that these negative incidents are happening more frequently.

The important thing here is to focus on HOW we are dealing with these events. 
Do we choose to focus on blame and revenge?  Do we responded by promoting fear-based programming and become fearful ourselves?
For my part, I chose to look at the recent events in Boston and made the decision to see the larger picture. 
It was a picture which illustrated the process of the unwanted giving rise to the wanted.  In other words, I was able to understand that it was exactly this type of event that makes possible the tremendously powerful coming together of peoples looking to create something better.  It was a strange feeling-this thought that , on some level, I might feel some form of gratitude to those who had caused so much suffering; but when I understood that I had been given an opportunity to learn more about compassion if I so chose, I learned to appreciate the lesson. 

I try to look at all episodes of negativity this way.  Perhaps I'm just noticing it more because it has been such a focus for me, but during this global shift I'm finding that more and more often others have followed suit.
By doing this, there is no negative situation that cannot give birth to something positive. 

Violent episodes, like the one in Boston, have no meaning aside from the meaning we assign to it.  What we take from the experience becomes more important than the experience itself.

So..."what is this world coming to?"

I, for one, am pretty optimistic.  :)

Why help? *What* you do vs. *Why* you do it.

It is possible to be addicted to "helping people."
But seeing ourselves as "helpers" is an attachment to an identity, or ego-construct to which we ascribe a positive value that we do not feel that we otherwise possess. Thus by helping other people we are also fueling our own egos.
Helping people is what fills the void where self-worth *should* be.
When helping others is the only thing that makes us feel like a good person, we are really feeding an addiction.
We are using people to fill the hole in our own self-worth.

As long as we are in this ego-driven mode (being "helpful" because it's the only thing that makes us feel good), we will attract nothing but those who *need help*, and because the Universe can be very literal, they will always need help. In other words, since we continue to wish to "help", whatever aid we give will never be enough because we are perpetuating the idea that someone *NEEDS* help as opposed to the vision that that person is empowered on their own. You simply cannot help someone to NOT be the underdog, if you yourself are focusing on them as if they are.
By doing this, you are operating from a mind-set of scarcity, so what you will ultimately create is more scarcity.

So do we give up on being helpful?
Absolutely Not.
But what is important is WHY you do it. 
There are people who are so centered that they simply enjoy helping.  They *already* know of their own value and are not trying to make something up. They are helping from a place of compassion instead of a place of need.
I can't help but think that this is one reason there is such a high burn-out rate in social service and human service jobs (I did 10 years and that was enough). Like them, I was focused on fighting this injustice or that injustice and I got what I was focused on-more fighting and more injustice.
It's an interesting paradox that possibly the people most likely to go into this kind of work are the people who are the least likely to do any good and the most likely to burn out. 
( In my own defense I have to say that my career in Human Services took place 20 years ago before I changed my thinking)  But it is important to understand what your state of being is when you do. 

If you are *inspired* to help, it is a signal that you are within the Universal flow and whatever aid you do give will generate positive results.
If you feel *obligated* to help, chances are that this will not feel good to you, and that is an indication that your efforts will *not* generate anything but more effort.
Focusing on the problem, brings more of it.
Focusing on the fight brings more powerlessness.

Some people give energy by helping, and some take it away by doing the same thing. The difference is how balanced they are as people in their own right.
So be honest with yourself, and help people as long as it does not detract from your own happiness.
That is the only way you can attract those who can *truly* benefit from your help.

Writing From the Bottom of the Barrel

I don't consider it a complement when people tell me that I make Spiritual growth "look easy".
Here's why.

It's because it isn't.
And if someone looks to me, and thinks I'm having an easy time of it all, they begin to worry that there's something wrong with themselves if they are having problems.
So...

I made a mistake today.  It was a tiny thing, I was visiting a friend, and I put something in the wrong spot, and the other person involved approached me and explained gently what the issue was, why it was that way, and asked me to do something else.  He wasn't angry.  He wasn't hateful.  He didn't beat up on me about it.
He didn't have to.
Because I spend the next two hours beating up on myself enough for the both of us, and everyone else on the block (and their pets-and possibly their plants as well.).  You know how that works; you're embarrased over what happens so you get mad at yourself.  But NO!  I'm a Spiritual Being!  I forgive, and accept and, and and-!!
"And" nothing-you're mad at yourself for getting mad at yourself. 
And I didn't stop there. 
I went on to tell myself that I was somehow less competent than other people who seemed to "get it".  That I would never "get it".  I wasn't as good as they were.  I was useless, I never did anything right, I didn't deserve to have a happy life because I was just so plain stupid.  Why couldn't I make this work? (Oh, I had an answer to that, too.)
I just wasn't meant to be happy.
What a vicious cycle.
Sound familiar?
So, back to it "being easy"...

When I first began to study Shamanism about 14 years ago, and through that the odd mix of Spiritual views I practise now, I began with simply noticing what thoughts were dominant in my mind.  I didn't try to change them, I just noticed them.  I was reading a book called "Urban Shaman" by Serge Kahili King at the time, and that was what the book listed as the "first step".  Just taking a step back and looking without judgement at what that voice in your head was telling you-and how often it spoke.
What you might not understand here is that, in the beginning it was happening virtually 24/7.  I mean, ALL THE TIME. From the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep was one, non-stop tirade of negative down-talk.  I was certainly starting from a point at which is wasn't possible to sink any lower.
13 YEARS later, it still happens.

Not nearly as often, thank goodness-but when it does, it's still brings me to my knees.
So, don't feel too bad.
Obviously, I still struggle.
I wrote 6 pages in my journal today while I worked through that mistake.

Mistake?  Well...let's look at it another way. 
There are no mistakes.
What happened alerted me to something that I did not like.  With some pondering I was able to glean from that what my preferences were.  Once I did that, I had something to aim for-the feeling of what it would be like to have what I wanted.  What a wonderful key I was given-and I might not have discovered this if I hadn't had this experience.  So...was it a "mistake"?
I don't think so.
You shouldn't either. :)
Sure, for the three or so hours I spent wrestling with it-let's face it-it SUCKED.
But though it may sting a little, we can all choose to focus on what we learn. 
Eventually, that's all we'll remember.