Dog-gone.

I'm sure there is a reason for this, but frankly, that doesn't make it any easier.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time trying some techniques for integration. (If in the unlikely event, you don't know what I mean, watch this:)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3V_Gtfr_YA&list=PLoME_J8FevCD481r3UzlI7tdd1i3WsqBt&feature=player_embedded



One thing that gets mentioned a lot is that while involved in a process like this, old memories come up; and the occasional suppressed memory tags along for the ride.
I'm an animal activist, and recently, Synchronicity has put two videos in front of my face, both about dogs and their bond with their owners when the dog becomes ill and must leave this life. One was about a dog named "Dukey" and another about a dog named "Shoep". You can probably find them online if you really want to.

As if *that* wasn't enough to make me cry-and it did.
A lot-
Continuously.
Emotionally.
You get the point...
I remembered something from my childhood.
I was not allowed to have pets as a child, though I wanted one desperately. I became close to the dog across the street, a yellow lab named Duffy, and I visited him almost every day. His owner, Mrs. Olen, was an elderly woman and she was always very kind to me.
One day, when I was about 7, I remember getting into my mother's car, with Mrs. Olen and Duffy in the back seat. This was unusual as animals were never allowed in the cars.
I have a very clear vision of looking over my shoulder into Duffy's eyes and asking what was going on. My mother said we were taking Duffy to the vet, and she wouldn't say anything else.
I don't remember a single thing about that day aside from those 3 minutes although I'm sure I must have gone to the vet and waited with my mother to drive Mrs. Olen (and presumably, Duffy) home but search as I might, I cannot recall it.

But I am certain now, because the feelings I felt watching these two videos were identical to the feelings I felt when Duffy suddenly wasn't across the street any more, that it was on that day years ago that we took Duffy to be put to sleep.

I think I disassociated from the grief I must have felt then, and guess what guys! It's coming up NOW in the aftermath of having come across those two videos.
Poor Duffy. Maybe if I had had the strength to remain focused at the time, I might have made his transition easier, I might have said goodbye, I might have had some closure.
But I didn't.

Just *why* this memory is apparently so important to relive isn't clear, but it's apparent that there is a lesson in there somewhere. What might you tell that child who was in the car, with a good friend about to die, and wasn't aware enough to be of any help?
It has been a really rough and raw couple of days-does anyone have any insight into this?

Spiritual Evolution in Personal Relationships; or, Give Me A Bananna

One must evolve in order to stay happy in a relationship long term.  This ability is essential for two reasons.  Well, to be honest it's more than 2, but we'll just look at the two most important ones.
Every aspect of your relationship with others will change over time.
Every.
Aspect.
The reasons that brought you together initially may continue to exist, or they may disappear, and without the ability to let go and remain flexible, a person can begin to focus on the loss and in doing so will miss the burgeoning positive aspects of that same relationship.  Remember, continual focus on the negative brings more negative to light.

That being said, it takes a great deal of strength to let go of expectations.
I'm not talking about a level of performance you aspire to attract in others-I'm talking about those things that you know and count on happening from day to day.
There is an old proverb that goes; "Better the Devil that you do know than the Devil that you don't." , and it means, in general, that given the choice, people tend to opt for familiarity over relief.  That means that even if a situation is unpleasant; one will remain involved in it because it is familiar and all the variables are known. I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to see how this applies to relationships.
Personally, I believe that the one thing a person dislikes more than a negative quality about something, is to be surprised by it.  It is those who are able to see through the illusion of circumstance and assign other meanings (or no meanings) to them are the ones who will be best able to remain stable while disruption occurs around them.
Simply said, becoming comfortable in handling the unexpected is a sign of Spiritual Growth/Evolution. 
Personal growth makes it easier to become comfortable in handling the unexpected, which leads to your ability to remain unattached to a particular outcome, which leads to less stress when things change around you.

The other reason that one must evolve in order to stay happy has to do with the reality of any relationship with another.
Any relationship you experience is actually a single facet of your relationship with yourself.  We become involved in a relationship to study specific aspects of our own selves-be it passion, broken-ness, pain, talent; it is all related back to the self in terms of likeness (i.e. "This person is like me-I also have this quality" or "This person is not like me-I do not have this quality")  Even though we are noticing that a quality is missing in ourselves with relation to the other person, ultimately we must still focus on ourselves in order to notice that the quality is missing.
OK
That was confusing.  Let's try this:
You are green and your friend is orange.  In order to realize that your orange friend is different from the green you, you must know that you are green.
In order to do that, you have to look at YOURSELF.
That's better.
Finding acceptance and happiness within yourself is another sign of Spiritual Growth.

Congratulations, by experiencing the same/otherness of another person, you have just identified something about yourself.  Committing to a relationship is equal to making a commitment to becoming self-aware.  This is why many cultures consider marriage to be a Spiritual state.
 If we cannot learn to accept and integrate what we become aware of, we leave portions of our selves attached to a negative emotional charge.  Even without a long and involved explanation about the Law of Attraction, how long will you want to stay in a relationship that continually reflects the unliked bits of yourself back at you?  And there is a big difference between "I HATE that about myself, I won't do that anymore" and "Well, I know I have a tendency to be that way but it's who I am.  But that doesn't mean I have to stay that way."

In many ways, acceptance of self is a form of high Spiritual practice-and it encompasses the ideas of remaining non-judgmental, flexible, centered and the ability to let go of the familiar and non-productive for the productive but non-familiar. 
In other words;
Evolution.

Tell It To The Judge.

Ugly.
Stupid.
Smelly.
Sickening.
Racist.
Disgusting.

Many of you who read the above words will experience a feeling of discomfort.
When a word evokes an unpleasant or uncomfortable feeling from an individual, the word is sometimes said to "carry a negative emotional charge".  Every word you speak, think or write carries an emotional charge-which is largely determined by the experiences and perspective of the listener/thinker/reader.
Writers are particularly aware of this. Just as visual artists use symbols, form and color to evoke or convey emotion, writers use things like word choice, punctuation and adjectives to evoke certain emotions from their readers-this is how they convey the meaning of the story-and keep people interested in reading their books!

When a person assigns a (most often negatively) charged  word to a situation or thing, they are often said to be "judgmental"-and this is often vilified by the New Age Community.

Are they?
OF COURSE THEY ARE.

But is this necessarily a "bad" thing?

Of all the words in use in our language today, especially among those of the New Age Community, I feel that the word judgment carries the biggest negative charge of all.  Many Spiritual Teachers teach that judgment is a by-product of the ego, and therefore is something that must be released in order to attain true enlightenment.  Buddhist philosopher, Chogyam Trungpa had this to say;

"The attainment of enlightenment from the ego's point of view is extreme death".

While I agree that attachment (another no-no among the Non-deist philosophies) stems from the ego, and that judgment is a form of attachment , I think that the attachment that is inherent in being judgmental is more subtle than just the ego trying to perpetuate itself.


Let me explain.

With regard to our New Age friends, what you are really "attached" to here are the assumptions that;
1)  A always represents B.
          and, ironically
2) To have this point of view is always a bad thing.

But let's take another look at the nature of judgment.
Many of the day-to-day decisions made by our brains, based on the input of our senses, happen automatically-and far too fast for us to really register that a decision has been reached.

(Now, for those of you who adhere more strongly to dictionary definition may feel that this continual process does not really qualify as "judgment".  But the thesaurus gives many equivalents to the word judgment, such as estimation, evaluation, decision and intelligence, which may be more acceptable to you, but still mean the same thing.  This is a good example of a judgment-that judgment is an inappropriate word based on your beliefs.  I'm not doing this to get under your skin, dear literal friends-but I am trying to make a point.)

So what this means is that a person is immersed in a constant stream of information that that comes from the outside stimulation, which, in turn, is interpreted by their senses and influenced by their own beliefs and perceptions-in other words, judgment.  They do this many times a minute-even a decision as simple as "I will sit in this chair because I judge it sturdy enough to hold my weight" is a judgment.
Forming a preference is a judgment.   
Making a decision is a judgment.
Expressing a desire is a judgment.
Taking a step is a judgment.
Being human means being judgmental.  That's it.  It's that simple.
So judgment is really not the issue here and has gotten a bad rap.

The problem comes, as I see it, when a particular word carries an emotional charge, and that causes us to attribute a value judgment (to deem better or worse with relation to something else) to it which evokes a reaction from you that does not serve you.  That is the "attachment" that the Non-deist and New Age philosophies would have you avoid, not the word itself or even the meaning.
Our preferences are not what hold us back; it is the belief that our judgments make us a better or worse person than someone with a different judgment.  It is also the fear that the opinion of those who assign us a negative value is somehow more valid than our own.
Judgment only becomes dangerous when it is used to shore up our own self-esteem or to undermine the self esteem of another.

So, what to do.....

The first step is to stop beating yourself and others up over doing what your very nature compels you to do.

The next step is to loosen the hold of our value judgments.  This allows us to examine more closely the world around us.  We are forced to examine each thing, in each moment without getting hung up on whether something is negative or positive-better or worse.
It simply is and is allowed to exist as it is-which, in my judgment, is pretty good.  :)

Stop Filling In The Blanks

Because the Ego is continuously fighting for survival to justify its existence, it takes it upon itself to know everything- even when there is no information with which to form an opinion.  Its need to be in charge is so great that it supplies "facts" to make up for the unknown elements of a given situation. 
In other words; it just makes stuff up.
We are all involved in a constantly evolving story-line of our own creating.
This week, I had a first-hand opportunity to see how this can wreak havoc with my life.

It began with a flat tire.
Well, not completely flat, but on its way to that state.  The car, however, belonged to a friend of mine, and they informed me with a sense of utter certainty that someone had let the air out of the tire; and that this act was done in an attempt to "get back" at my friend for something.
Not that my friend "believed" someone had done this, but that someone had done it.

I took a look at the event, the realization that one tire was low on air, and decided that it didn't quite add up to evidence of a malicious act.  Why did they just take some of the air out?  Why did they only do this on one tire? Wouldn't someone who was being truly malicious want to cause the greatest amount of inconvenience to their victim?  Wouldn't they let the air out of all the tires-or, at the very least let all the air out of one tire?
But my friend was already caught up in the natural progression of thought which went something like this:
If one was to assume that someone let some of the air out of one of the tires, then there had to be a reason why. 
The reason why was obviously something negative.  They were trying to "get back" at my friend.  They were unfriendly people.  They were making a political statement.  They were ignorant.  etc etc etc....
That led to my friend to feel  disliked, unsafe and threatened. 

Now, hold on here.  We do not actually know what really happened.  But the owner of the car went automatically to the negative.  Is the preferred state of being to feel unsafe and threatened?  No, that certainly does not serve me.
Then why do it?

Well, it seemed obvious to me.
There was no reason to do it.
Knowing that people around me often reflected my own beliefs, I decided to take a look at myself, and Goodness, what a mess I found!

Turns out, I do the same thing on many, many subjects.  Someone didn't return a text because they must be mad at me.  Someone offered me a gift in order to buy me off in some way.  I didn't get asked to a place because my company is not as enjoyable as someone else's.  Someone didn't like my Facebook Post, I'm not as good as other people who post and get "liked".

Sheesh!

To show you what I mean, I'll take a specific entry from my journal:

Situation:
Someone didn't return a text.

Old Thoughts:
They are mad at me.  I've offended them somehow.  Other people probably get their texts returned right away.  I bet other people get lots of communication.  I am being excluded.  I am less worthy.  Something is being hidden from me.

Of course, none of this made me feel good about anything, in fact, thoughts like this often just brought me to tears.
So I continued;

It COULD be they are simply busy.
Perhaps other people are getting the same treatment.
Perhaps they have not gotten my message.
Perhaps they do not know how to answer.
They don't like to text.
They are having some quiet time.
The phone is not working.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY AND THAT'S OK

I release the need to know WHY-and I no longer fill in these blanks.  The event is neutral and even though I do not, at this time, see how it will work out positively, I accept that it will and leave it where it is.  The Universe is working hard to send me what I desire.  I'm getting a handle on this and as painful as it is to face, I'm proud that I have figured it out and I KNOW I have the strength to face it."

There could be any number of reasons, NONE of which pointed to anything negative about me or how I was being treated, but the point is not really to assign some specific meaning (though positive possibilities feel better than repeating the negative ones), it is to remember that there is no inherent pain in any given situation.  They are all neutral.  The meaning they have is what we assign to them.  Our physical mind is not designed to know and understand every little detail so stop forcing it to do something it isn't designed to do.
I went through my present thoughts and did a process like the above for every instance where I realized I was filling in the blanks for something I didn't know.
Even if you don't believe, as I do, that Reality is directed by your thoughts and vibration, why would you choose to suffer those negative thoughts before you really, REALLY have a reason?

And if you do agree with me about the nature of Reality, then you can see how putting out a vibe of negative expectation just causes those expectations to be realized.
Your mind is designed to take account of how things are happen-ING, NOT to determine how something happened or will happen.  It is a great, in-the-moment interpreter, and that's all it's supposed to be.  It functions best when we are in the present moment and there are many systems of belief that say the same thing.

Have faith that things happen for a reason, but don't knock yourself out or worse-make yourself cry, wondering what that reason is.  Just remember that when the time comes for you to know, and it will, that everything will become clear; and that reason will always turn out to be the very best for you. 
Whatever the actual reason behind the low tire, from my perspective it happened to bring another layer of myself to my attention so that it could be healed-and that turned out to be a very good thing.

Love Difficult People

I never do anything the easy way, not ever.
I like it that way.

You see, some people search for those who make them comfortable with who they are-they feel that these people complete them.  They want people who reflect back to them only the stuff they want to see.
And that’s fine.
But the problem is, is that if someone else completes them, they never grow. 
They will always be the same person they are now, incomplete without the crutch, never seeing the things that lead to growth. 
Some people spend their lives trying to adjust themselves to keep ahold of  the mirror that shows them all the pretty things they want to see.
They say, “I love you, and I need you to be this way if you want to ensure that I continue to love you because I can’t provide that piece for myself, .”  Sure, they may be comfortable for a time, but trust me on this- they have given away their power and are in survival mode; looking to maintain the attachment for the rest of their lives. 
When they look back searching for success, they will only find reminders of what they lost.

But others look for those who challenge them.  They search out people who make them grow, and through that growth they become better people.  It isn’t easy, and it isn’t always fun-but in the end what they learn is worth more than a thousand lives of comfort.
They appreciate difficult people who teach them to be responsible for their own actions.  Challenging people teach us to stand on our own because we are complete within ourselves.  We may have started by looking at ourselves and not liking what we see, and we may blame the other person for highlighting that; but we end by learning to love ALL of ourselves-and only that way can we ever learn to love anyone else.  They help us to change, and they give us a means to discover what we truly value, and what is really valuable.

People who challenge us stand in recognition of all that we are, and all that we could be.  They cause us to say, “I Love you in this moment, but I do not need you.  I choose to Love you in the next moment, and all the moments to come and I will Love you no matter who you are, and no matter what you do or how you change.”

When someone loves themselves because of what someone else sees, they need that someone else to reflect that back to them. 
But when someone loves themselves reregardless of what they see,  the WHOLE WORLD  will reflect to them the essence of that Love, and that Love will be shown no matter who they are.

These people are your Soul Mates, your Twin Flames.  They are part of you, embodied in another and exist to push you beyond your comfort zone. 
Sure, there is the risk of getting hurt, and it's WORK-but the gift of self-Love and self-Realization is worth it.
Take the easy way out?
Not me.
Not ever.
 I like it this way.

Writing From the Bottom of the Barrel

I don't consider it a complement when people tell me that I make Spiritual growth "look easy".
Here's why.

It's because it isn't.
And if someone looks to me, and thinks I'm having an easy time of it all, they begin to worry that there's something wrong with themselves if they are having problems.
So...

I made a mistake today.  It was a tiny thing, I was visiting a friend, and I put something in the wrong spot, and the other person involved approached me and explained gently what the issue was, why it was that way, and asked me to do something else.  He wasn't angry.  He wasn't hateful.  He didn't beat up on me about it.
He didn't have to.
Because I spend the next two hours beating up on myself enough for the both of us, and everyone else on the block (and their pets-and possibly their plants as well.).  You know how that works; you're embarrased over what happens so you get mad at yourself.  But NO!  I'm a Spiritual Being!  I forgive, and accept and, and and-!!
"And" nothing-you're mad at yourself for getting mad at yourself. 
And I didn't stop there. 
I went on to tell myself that I was somehow less competent than other people who seemed to "get it".  That I would never "get it".  I wasn't as good as they were.  I was useless, I never did anything right, I didn't deserve to have a happy life because I was just so plain stupid.  Why couldn't I make this work? (Oh, I had an answer to that, too.)
I just wasn't meant to be happy.
What a vicious cycle.
Sound familiar?
So, back to it "being easy"...

When I first began to study Shamanism about 14 years ago, and through that the odd mix of Spiritual views I practise now, I began with simply noticing what thoughts were dominant in my mind.  I didn't try to change them, I just noticed them.  I was reading a book called "Urban Shaman" by Serge Kahili King at the time, and that was what the book listed as the "first step".  Just taking a step back and looking without judgement at what that voice in your head was telling you-and how often it spoke.
What you might not understand here is that, in the beginning it was happening virtually 24/7.  I mean, ALL THE TIME. From the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep was one, non-stop tirade of negative down-talk.  I was certainly starting from a point at which is wasn't possible to sink any lower.
13 YEARS later, it still happens.

Not nearly as often, thank goodness-but when it does, it's still brings me to my knees.
So, don't feel too bad.
Obviously, I still struggle.
I wrote 6 pages in my journal today while I worked through that mistake.

Mistake?  Well...let's look at it another way. 
There are no mistakes.
What happened alerted me to something that I did not like.  With some pondering I was able to glean from that what my preferences were.  Once I did that, I had something to aim for-the feeling of what it would be like to have what I wanted.  What a wonderful key I was given-and I might not have discovered this if I hadn't had this experience.  So...was it a "mistake"?
I don't think so.
You shouldn't either. :)
Sure, for the three or so hours I spent wrestling with it-let's face it-it SUCKED.
But though it may sting a little, we can all choose to focus on what we learn. 
Eventually, that's all we'll remember.

Are you? Am I?

Someone on a dating site recently told me that I was “Emotionally Unavailable” because of the way I worded my profile.
Specifically, he took issue with my identification as “monogamous” and “seeing someone” relative to the fact that I still had a profile on the site in the first place.  He said that by maintaining an active profile, I was doing nothing more than “setting up other men for eventual disappointment when they find that they can not occupy a place in (my) your emotions”
This guy has no idea who I am, and so this kind of pissed me off.  But he struck a nerve-and after my shock at the strength my own reaction, I took another look at myself.
Was it true?
My partner (for lack of a better choice of labels) is not monogamous, and I accept him completely and without reservation.
Being monogamous myself, this means I get challenged emotionally.  
A Lot.
It’s not easy to be brave, or to stay positive; and sometimes frankly I get frustrated.  Sure, I could conceivably go searching for someone who thought exactly the way I do.  Perhaps I’d even find him, and maybe it would be pleasant.  Add that to the other issues involved in living my life-financial, health, and emotional  woes included, and maybe it *would* be easier to function by shutting down completely. 
But I don’t.
I asked myself “What would it be like to have an easy life?”
And my immediate thought was; “But where’s the growth in that?”
Where’s.
The.
Growth.
In.
That.
I chose this relationship, as I’ve chosen many other things in my life, in part for the growth it provides.  I choose because I see and understand that there are many different ways of living a life.  From his comment, I see that “Mr. Unavailable” sees things in more rigid terms.  If A is correct, then B is incorrect-so to speak.  There is nothing really wrong with that, but I have a different perspective where both A and B are correct, nothing is really exclusive.
I’ll be the first one to admit that monogamous and non-monogamous creates an unusual pairing.  My partner and I catch static from both sides. It takes some work.  In order to communicate my needs to someone who is occasionally focused elsewhere, I need to be in touch with my own feelings.  I need to know what stems from a situation and what might be concerned more with some insecurity on my part.  I need to be alert and sensitive to his signals when perhaps more space is needed.  I need to be adept at identifying the thought patterns that do not serve me, and finding the things that I really enjoy doing to stay centered.
In other words, in order to function on all these levels it is absolutely essential that I remain aware and open emotionally
I have to have the strength to realize who I am and admit it, even though it might be more comforting to bow to outside pressure, or fool myself into believing that I’m something I’m not.  And I see my partner for who he is, though it may be tempting to soothe myself with the thought and false hope that somehow I could “change” him.
Sure, I’m scared. I could get hurt.  But I’m learning as I go.  So is he.
So far, so good.
So, you see, Mr. “Emotionally Unavailable”, I understand where you are coming from.  I understand that your comment was an expression of fear-nobody wants to get hurt.  And hopefully now you see that my profile here is less of an attempt to “set people up for failure” and more of a testament to my belief in the value of all individuals to add to a life-even if it’s not sexually.
It’s not easy, but I do it and have faith that whatever happens will be for the best.
Can’t be more open than that.

What Good May Come Of It-A Father's Legacy

There is no delicate way of saying this.

My father was a crook.

And a recent reunion of 3 of his 6 children from 5 different mothers sparked a conversation about his life and how sad it was that such an apparently brilliant man wasted his intelligence and skills on a life of crime.

As a Shaman, I appreciate the lessons that we come to this Earth to learn when it comes to the larger picture.  I understand that, in Spiritual terms, my father's existence provides lessons and experiences that are unique to his children and what we do with those lessons helps us to realize who we are.  For that, at least, I am forever grateful to the man and his spirit for being there to teach me that.
Yeah.
Sure.
Right.
;)

But it seemed, on another, more "Earthy" and In-Your-Face level, to be such a sad waste of talent and potential for him to have gone the way he did.  My awareness of the "bigger picture" did little to soothe the hurt feelings of the 3 year old child inside me who became aware that there was something "different" about my history with respect to other children.  What my family avoided speaking about told me much more than the short, terse answers I got when I was old enough to start asking difficult questions.  It's hard not to assume that this somehow reflects on your worth as a person; especially for a child.
The mothers of his children have a particular point of view concerning their experiences with my father, and their opinions are, shall we say, less than complementary.
Before I met these men, my brothers, I was resigned to incorporate this vibration into my own being, and thought I had made peace with it all.  But as we chatted easily together, it became apparent that there might be a connection that transcended the common pain and chaos our father had caused for each of us.  As we exchanged the bits of knowledge that we had, and discovered more about this man, we slowly discovered things about each other that provided a different picture.

From my brother Joe, I learned that my father painted and had considered attending art school at one time.  Painting is a skill I discovered for myself only recently- it surprised me more than anyone, but it made sense to me that somehow I may have inherited this unknown talent in part from my father.

From my brother James, we learned that my father had studied law and became a paralegal while still incarcerated.  My brother James certainly inherited this practical intelligence and became a successful businessman who left a steady job to strike out on his own.  In the middle of a recession, he used his skills and knowledge as an engineer to build his own branch of an international company. He had the flexibility to accept and appreciate his two sons for the exceptional individuals they are, and they have flourished. 

Out of the 6 of us, Joe spent the longest time with our father in his life, and though he had more of a negative example, he turned it around and took away important lessons concerning family and responsibility.  He works hard providing for his 3 daughters in a way that our father never did.  He channeled his anger into martial arts, and is still well-remembered in relevant circles as a talented Thai Kick-boxer and instructor.  Joe balanced his physical existence with a deeply Spiritual side.  He takes pride in that, and so do the rest of us.

Though I do not know them as well, I can see that my father's legacy was not limited to the three of us.  My sister Marjory has a sense of aesthetic that rivals the most experienced interior designer.  She built a beautiful home for her family.
My sister Alicia, however, inherited our father's temper.  But, instead of turning those feelings into negative actions, she developed a sense of justice and outspokenness that we all admired.  Unfortunately, she passed away before I could meet her in person, but we did speak often by phone.  We both worked hard to put ourselves through school and we shared stories about those challenges.  Of all of us, it was Alicia who was able to stand up to our father and tell him in no uncertain terms just what she thought of him.  And though we may have cringed a little on the outside when she did it, inside we were all cheering her on for doing what we all wish we had the guts to do for ourselves. 

Of the 6, I know the least about George, who lives a quiet life in the mid-west with his wife and children.  He doesn't seem to feel the need to put what happened in perspective, nor does he seem to spend a lot of time soul-searching and sharing his experiences with the rest of his siblings.  Maybe our father, who was a poor Cuban immigrant, did what he did on some level in order to fit in with his ideal of the rich, successful American. Of course, what we do, we do because we think that it will make us happy, and it seems that, out of all of us, George has come the closest to realizing the kind of life that our father wanted.   George seems happy.  Without the glamor, without the glitz and showy possessions; he is happy.
Perhaps that's the greatest gift of all.

Looking at all of us through the lens of greater understanding, my brothers James and Joe and I realized that our father's life may not have been as much of a waste as we had thought.  Though there are many holes in the story that may never be filled in, we know that in terms of his children at least, there was a positive outcome to my father's existence.
I can know who I am, and be proud of who I am.  Partially because of it all, and admittedly partially in spite of it all-but nonetheless; proud of all of who I am; the negative and the positive.
And I have a great family.
I've said that before.
But until now I've never been able to say this;
Thanks, Dad.

The Gift. Happy Holiday's To All

An older story, but still relevant.  I hope you Enjoy it!



A little boy sat on the living room floor with legs crossed, deep in thought.
Colorful scraps of paper, glittering confetti and curling ribbon attached to pieces of Scotch tape lay crumpled and strewn in chaotic piles around his knees. He stretched out a slippered foot and sullenly kicked at a bit of the stuff, turning it
over with his toes. The call of discarded wrapping paper shown red, green and gold. It glimmered cheerily in the lights of the tree and the fireplace, but did nothing to brighten his mood.
Another happily squashed wad of paper landed nearby and the boy looked up to the source of the litter. All the other family members had already opened their presents, and how it was his mother's turn.

"Oh John! It's Beautiful!" she exclaimed with delight. "I have wanted something like this for just the longest time!" She held the box in her hands, lovingly pulled out the expensive bracelet inside and held out her arm to her husband who was
sitting next to her on the couch. "Put it on me, wont you dear?"
The diamonds winked and twinkled on her wrist as her hands moved across the various boxes and packages still arranged in neat piles within easy reach. One by one the festive wrappings were torn away to reveal their wondrous contents. There was a big, fluffy bathrobe with matching slippers in just that shade of blue that matched mother's eyes from sister Amanda. They sat on the boxes of matching note-cards, pen and address book from Grandma which were covered in pansies; his mother's favorite flower.
There were pearl earrings from Aunt Julia, and a new, fine leather brief case from brother Jim. At last there were only two items left. The woman smiled as she reached for a tall, square package; this one wrapped neatly in silver paper covered in blue stars. The box was topped with a loopy blue and silver ribbon so huge that it nearly covered the entire top of the box. The whole family oooooohed and ahhhhed over the magnificent wrapping; but that was nothing compared to their reaction when the box was opened. Inside the beautiful paper, swaddled in confetti and bubble-wrap, was a china plate.
This was not just any porcelain plate, but a very expensive and delicate one. It had cranes painted on it. Oriental ladies fanned themselves and strolled under blossoming cherry trees, across a bridge that spanned a lovely little river. Water lilies floated in the water, and their blooms were painted in colors so delicate that the little boy thought he could almost reach out and pick one. The inside of the plate was creamy white, and the rim was painted in gold that shone brightly in the light of the
fireplace.
"This is too much," said mother. She ran her hand over the edge, taking in the smooth coolness under her fingertips. She turned the plate over in her hands, watching the way the light played across the translucent finish.
"I have never seen anything so beautiful!" she cried. "This is the best Christmas ever!" She stood up and gently lifted the plate and placed it on the mantle in between a pair of silver candlesticks. She stepped back to admire it and smiled. Then she sat down once again and reached for the last present.

This package was different from all the rest. It had a bow made from many bits of different colored yarn that was tied around wrapping paper made from a brown paper grocery bag. Stars and swirls of color were drawn all over the paper in crayon; the artist seemingly determined to use every color in the crayon box. This box was not wrapped as neatly as the others; its corners were not perfectly crisp and the tape stuck out in places. Nevertheless, she lifted it gingerly into her lap and opened it with care.
Inside the rather sorry-looking wrapping was an even sorrier-looking item. It was a pot made of clay.
"What's this?" she asked, lifting the pot from its box and turning it over in her hands. "Is this for me?" The poor little pot was thicker on one side than the other and was painted with bright yellow and orange flowers that could only be described as "noisy". The rim of the pot, if indeed the pot had a rim, was painted blue with yellow spots. There were thumb-prints dried into the bottom and it didn't sit quite straight on the table. It leaned to one side in a way that looked
to the little boy as if the clay had partially melted.  Mother held it out at arm's length, blue eyes scanning the lumpy clay. "Did you make this for me?" she said, smiling to the little boy.
"Yes", he nodded looking nervously at the floor. He had spent a whole afternoon on it. His eyes traveled to the mantle where the china plate sat, gleaming regally.
"But it.s not very good". He said.
"Not very good?! Well I think it.s wonderful." Said mother. She reached out and ruffled the boy's unruly hair. She carried the little pot to the kitchen where she placed it on the table. It wobbled just a little, but otherwise stayed put.

In time the holidays passed as holidays do, and the little boy grew up as little boys do. Through the years, the beautiful china plate with the cranes and ladies on it stayed on the mantle; and the little boy.s mother dusted it once a week. When
people visited, she always took them to see the mantle where the plate stood between the candlesticks.
"This is my beautiful china plate", she told them. "I got it for Christmas but we mustn't use it. It's much too delicate." The company nodded solemnly and moved on.
When the children grew up, and left to start families of their own, Mother and Father decided to move to a smaller house. The beautiful china plate was lovingly and carefully wrapped up in its bubble-wrap and confetti and placed into the new
attic along with the candle sticks, and other boxes filled with photo albums and baby clothes that had long been outgrown. When the little boy, who was not so little any more, came to visit he found the old, lumpy clay pot filled with apples
and sitting on the dining room table. The noisy little flowers were faded now, and somebody had glued a little piece of cork to the bottom so that the pot no longer wobbled. "I didn't think you had kept this", he said thinking sullenly back to that morning with the tree and the china plate, where was that plate anyway?
He looked around.
No plate.
"Oh dear!!" Mother laughed. "I don't know what I'd do without my little clay pot!"
She removed the fruit and turned the pot over lovingly. "It still has your little thumb prints here all over the bottom! This pot used to have all my paper clips in it. Do you remember when it sat on Father's desk?"
The young man nodded.
"And I planted grandma's pansies in it, before they got too big in the Spring."
She went on, "And last Summer we filled it with sand and used it to prop open the
screen door! I kept my gardening supplies in it this Fall and it held down the paper
on my desk when I was working on the Christmas cards. Last week I had it filled
with pens and pencils by the phone! This pot has been the best present I've
ever gotten, and you made it for me all by yourself!"
The young man smiled and put the pot back on the table. He took a bite out of an
apple, then, whistling happily, he followed his mother into the kitchen for something to drink.

On Meditation

"Many people think that meditation is the process of training the mind. I prefer to think of it as a process by which we learn to percieve with the heart without the conscious or unconscious judgement and self-editing of the human mind. When someone says "keep this in mind", I think "Take this to heart" because I think that the heart is really the seat of Human intelligence and the key to global consciousness."
-Grace Gemini

Faith

"It is inconceivable to me that a Universe in which anything is possible could present us with a life full of challenges without also giving us the means to overcome them."
- Grace Gemini

Positive Thinking is an oxymoron

A dear friend on Facebook posted this article:

http://www.salon.com/2012/11/25/positive_thinking_is_for_suckers/


 I was moved to post an answer, then again inspired to post it here.   Enjoy!

 ***********************************************************************************
The assumption that all people are at the mercy of their cyclical, negative thoughts with no hope in sight is very typical of Western brain-centric ideology. I agree that to approach the concept of happiness from that perspective is an uphill battle on wheels.
However, from a Spiritualist perspective-my perspective- thought exists to be used as a tool to generate the feelings of happiness that we aim for. This is why affirmations don’t work for most people. We can stomp across a stage or read positive statements til we’re blue in the face but if we don’t feel them; and more importantly train ourselves so we carry the positive feeling until it becomes habitual, they won’t work to make us happy. The less effort; the better. This “short circuits” those ruminant patterns of thought that can sabotage us. ( meditation is a great tool in helping individuals break these habits)

Author Gregg Braden has a very interesting story about his visit to a Tibetan Buddhist Monastery where he asks the abbot t about the importance of all the paraphernalia around the monks during their prayers. He was told that all the accoutrements are meaningless since they exist to generate the feeling, and “The Feeling is the Prayer.”
http://unslavedmedia.net/unslavedmedia/watch_video.php?v=Y4YKNMSAAOA8 (check around timer 8:18)

A good book that approaches this subject is called “The Heart’s Code”, by Author Paul Pearsall. Pearsall describes the American belief in the superiority of the brain, and puts forth a very convincing argument that it is just this kind of “positive thinking” that keeps most of us from the happiness we seek. He states that for most Americans, any kind of sentiment- and by that, I mean what is felt, not purchased from Hallmark- makes us very uncomfortable.

Happiness is effortless.
This is not to say that it does not take some focus to get there. Those who achieve it are those who have conditioned their "ambient thoughts" to a place of neutrality and acceptance-with a healthy dose of your Buddhist "non-attachment".

Where modern Spiritual seekers run afoul of concepts like the Law of Attraction, “Motivational Speakers” or The Secret, is by

1) Aiming for something that they think will make them happy (instead of aiming for the happiness itself)
2) assuming that it is the words alone that will give them the outcome they desire.

Therefore, Secret behind the Secret, and what I think Burkeman is saying here, is that what you are, in effect, reaching for (though “reaching” may be too active a word in this context) is the feeling of well-being in spite of the prevailing circumstance. When you are already enjoying the feeling, suddenly the outcome doesn’t mean as much.
Whatever gets you there is irrelevant.

You Don't Have To Like Me

You are under no obligation to like me.
You don’t have to like everything I do.
Feel free to like only some of the things I do, or some of the things I believe, or think or feel.
Or none of them.
You can organize and categorize every aspect of me, and pick and choose from any column and in any combination.
You can completely customize your vision of me, and then you can toss it all back and choose again.
You can like most of me, some of me or none of me. It’s your choice.
You can like me, or you can like what you think I am.
You do not have to know me at all.
It doesn’t matter.
Though what you think about me may, temporarily, peripherally or superficially cause me some sadness, it doesn’t make me a bad person.
In fact, it says nothing at all about me.
I choose whether or not to hold onto that sadness.
I release any need to have anyone choose anything in particular. I relieve you of the responsibility of pretending.
I do this because *I* like me.
I can do this because I know who I am.
I can do this because I take responsibility for my own happiness.
I know that happiness is a choice.

How much happier would you have been if you could say the same to your friends; your lovers? To your family?

In All Growth There Is Some Pain

Many people ask me why there is such pain involved in Spiritual Growth. The answer is simple, though difficult to hear;

In order to experience yourself as what you are, you must first experience what you are not.

This is part of the duality of the Universe and even Einstein was aware of it when he conceived his theory of relativity. In order for something to know itself, it must have something

to compare itself to.

In order to understand something in this Universe, there must be a starting point, and a point of comparison. To destroy something, it must first have been created. And to create something, it must be able to be created from a point of “being-not”.

In simple terms, this means that in order for you to know that you have the power of creation within you, you must first create. In order to create yourself, you must first un-create yourself. So what you were, must first be destroyed in order for you to create it.

Got it?

This is what is meant by the “Alpha and the Omega”, the beginning and the end. The two are connected and dependent on each other.

“But if I am a part of God, how can I not be what I am?”

I’m glad you asked that.

You can’t.

But you *can* forget, and in coming to this physical Universe to know experientially what you had previously only understood conceptually, you did just that. We are here to experience the process of coming to know who we are (or not), and to make the choices (or not) that lead us there.

This is why, what we experience is termed “re-membering”, because we are becoming again what we were. We are re-joining the whole of All-That-Is (which previously was “All That Was” until we added to it).

You exist.

You choose.

You emerge (here)

You experience

You destroy

You create

You remember.

You already know.

I’m just here to re-mind you.

When Life Gets Rough, Remember Why You Are Here.

You’re here to *learn* things.

Not to know things.

That’s a very important distinction.

You’re not here to *know* lessons-you’re not here so that this information magically appears inside your head.

...

It was the *process* of learning that was important to you, with all it’s delays, issues and effort and pain. Have faith that everything you experience is a part of that learning- the reason that you are here.

The journey *IS* the destination. So relish it.

On Change

“I don’t waste time thinking about how I changed, what I changed or why I changed, I’m too busy being glad that I changed.”

—	Grace Gemini

So What Did You Really Love?

So, What Did You Really Love?

Let’s say that you go to a restaurant.
This place advertises that it serves the best nachos on the East Coast.  It’s advertised in the menu, and it might even be on that little lighted board that they sometimes put out on the sidewalk to catch the eye of people passing by.  You may have had them there before, or known someone else who just raved about them!  Either way, you are smiling on your way in the door.
When you get to a table, you feel pretty good!  You’re *really* looking forward to this meal.   And when you’re in a mood this good, everything else in life just seems to line up too.  So you sit down, and order the nachos, the waiter says “Coming right up.”
But they don’t show.
So after thirty minutes or so, you might ask again about the status of your order.  And again the water apologizes and says, “Just a few more minutes.”  This goes on for the better part of two hours, and finally you ask to see a manager who tells you “Oh, sorry-you see, that was a special occasion, we don’t make those any more.  In fact, we fired the chef who did, and the owner has such a thing against that jerk that we will never ever serve nachos again just because they remind the owner of the chef he didn’t like.  Sorry-but if you had asked, we would have told you so it’s really your fault for wasting your own time so don’t go thinking that you’ll get any discounts on something else.”
If the restaurant does not offer you what you wanted, and is unwilling to work with you-what do you do?
Do you continue to sit there, hoping that SOMEDAY they *might* decide to serve them again because they used to do it?  Do you blame yourself for believing in something that was promised to you. Perhaps you think that if you had been a better person, they might have made them for you anyway?  You might sit there, remembering the time you had the nachos, and order something else; pay more-enjoy it less, and think that you were lucky to have had nachos once and you should settle for what you can get now.  Some people might grab the menu, point to all the things advertised and yell “YOU PROMISED!”  Maybe they think that will guilt the manager into producing the food.
But that’s really sad.
You want to get up and go to a place that promises what you want-and comes through with those promises right?
Why then, do we hold ourselves in relationships that no longer come through with what was promised in the beginning?
When you ask someone why they remain in a relationship like this, they are likely to say, “Why, because I’m in love!”
But that begs the question-if what you are in love with is no longer a part of the menu-or what was offered is not, in truth, available from the partner-or never was; then just what do you love now? (not then, but now?)

You love the illusion of what you were being offered.  You love the memories.
You loved the way you felt.
Sit down for this one-
You loved the WAY YOU FELT.
You loved your vision of them.

BUT YOU DO NOT LOVE THEM.

You wanted to be with them because you felt better about yourself when you were.

But now you no longer feel good about yourself.
So now what?

The key is to realize that feeling good about yourself has NOTHING to do with them.
What a partner may do, temporarily, is motivate you to connect more strongly with your Inner Be-ing and it’s that CONNECTION TO YOURSELF that makes you feel good. Returning to our poor friend at the table, what happens is that eventually the menu changes.  The person changes.  And you are left without access to your connection, sitting around waiting for something to change so you can get it back.
Realizing that what you once loved no longer exists is hard.  You feel like a fool.  You want to do *something*-anything-to get back to that good feeling place you were once in.
This is a hard truth for many to stomach-no pun intended.  But the truth is; the ONLY one responsible for your connection is YOU-and once you practice a little, you can make that connection yourself, BY YOURSELF, any time you want regardless of who is with, or not with you.  And via Universal laws, once you are able to Love yourself-you will see that love reflected back to you in the people around you.
To put it as clearly as I can (at the moment):
You do NOT fall in Love with people.  You encounter people who remind you to fall in Love with yourself. And if they no longer do that, let them eat cake.

A Walmart Tale

Several months ago, while I was sitting on a bench waiting for a friend to complete her shopping at Walmart, I had a chance to chat with a lovely older lady who was sharing my seat.  We discussed our day and it came up in conversation-as it often seems to between perfect strangers and I- that she had been having a bad time recently and I said, ” I’m so sorry to hear that.  Do you have anything pleasant to focus on at all?”  Unfortunately she answered “No.”
So I gave her my bracelet.
It was a silly thing I had made, a coil-wrap wire bracelet with bright beads and charms on it.  It had a little guy in a space suit on one end and a charm of the space shuttle on the other and I chose the beads because they reminded me of planets.  I said, “Well, now you can say that you got a gift from a complete stranger!”  And she smiled.
A few days ago, I was at Walmart again, and a somewhat younger lady was at the pharmacy waiting in line with me for medicine and I happened to look at her wrist and noticed my bracelet.  I asked her where she got it, and she said “My mother gave it to me.  I was having a bad day and she said she got it from an angel on a day when she was having a rough time, and it would make me smile when I looked at it too.”
Everything is working out just the way it’s supposed to.

A Thankless Job

Last night, I did a distance healing for someone who I know will never thank me for it.  I opened his heart chakra, pulled out all the gunk and replaced it with Love, Peace and Clarity.
I think it worked.

The Three Pearls

Goodness only knows how this started--I think it had something to do with watching all those episodes of "The Tudors"
My apologies for the formatting- it's a tad messy.



"Cry me a river." said the Witch Queen to the Elvin King, and he did, which carried them away to distant shores."My heart is your compass", said the king;"Given freely, and without remorse"

Then she kissed him on his kingly brow, her lips were warm against his skin, her love to show for all the world; a golden spark to kindle flames that flickered deep within.

"Your eyes, my stars to guide us by", the Witch Queen lay the words upon the night, "your breath, the winds to fill the sails and that which brings all things to set aright."

And up amidst the roiling, spewing wat'ry coil arose an island bright whereupon the travelers lit and thought to spend the night.The ship which carried them, in which they held great store; brought them safely through the waves, and to the grainy shore.

Wrapped in velvet black of sunless sky, did they lay themselves upon the sand,which served to cradle them as flowers held within a gently curved hand.  And lo- from heaven to softly kiss each sleeping Fey on creaseless brow,did bend the Lady Moon, within whose silver net, the lovers rested now.


Presently, Nature's gentle alchemy turned subtle silver to radiant gold, and great Helios loosed his rays from the vault that was their's, within to hold.On flaming horses drew he, his chariot across the blue which caused the lover's waking world to once again renew.

And from within empty bellies did roar the memory of food, and that which wanted more.  Into the hills they did pass, lock'd arm in arm with heads whispering together in search of that which sustains and grows in places made easier to gather.

Said the Elvin King to his Lady Fair "you are my bounty, and all good things that gods to men do bring" and with these words occurred a strange and marvelous thing; for before them upon a stone which sat atop the fertile ground they did spy,a table strewn with all manner of things in whose design were meant to satisfy.

And there on the table, set to grace the display of Fairy fare,upon a scalloped shell, three pearls of varied hue lay shining there.One of copper, bright as flame, one of silver in Luna's way and the third of gold, and each of a size to match the round wonder in lovers' eyes.

And wonder they did, at the gleaming treasure so then at last, with hunger satisfied according to their pleasure they took for themselves, this regal gift and our Lady secreted the pearls within the bodice of her flowing shift.

But all was not well, for in a tree that grew across the glen, perched a creature with a taste for the riches of mortal men.  And knowing benefit of neither hope nor heart within his hollow chest this wizened being did scheme for ways by which the shining orbs away from the lovers, he might wrest.

With naked hatred did he jump upon the groundand waved his black and twisted arms in circles all around and where his evil, jealous flesh did cast its shadow on the heath another dark and sinister thing would crawl up from its den in reaches underneath.

"I'll have those pearls!" growled the twisted elf intent on taking all the lustrous riches for himself. His gibbering, spitting horde did move to carry out his will and encircle the lovers, now arm in arm though standing defiant still.

So from her gown the Witch Queen brought forth the pearl as red as flame and the Elvin King said "You, black and twisted thing who has no name,can have this pearl, by my leave and without redress, for I would rather have the copper of my lover's curling tresses."

The evil thing held aloft his hand with fingers curled into a dark foreboding ring and made as if from air to catch the luminous thing but as he closed his greedy fist around the pearl of reddish hue suddenly it was a pearl no more and like it's shade in name, did burst into a gout of copper flame.

"What trickery is this!?" he cried, letting loose the elemental sprite upon the ground as dancers dancing, did the fire circle dark and muttering host, on all sides 'round.When burning terpsichorean had gleaned the final stick, and wind had wiped the hillside clean the foul and choking smoke retreated from his eyes to show, the shining couple nowhere to be seen.

Half-mad with fury, taunted by the image of the gem that circumstance had caused him to eschew The greedy gnome said "Very well, if one pearl has been denied me, then I shall have the other two!"So reaching, grasping, clawing, spurred on by crazed ambitions yet to be fulfilled he aimed his forces skyward, ever climbing, driving them with stinging blows and foul curses on to take the summit of the hill.

Three days hence, the loving Fey found themselves upon a rocky ledge above a valley spread below like a length of autumn-colored silk.  A clear view, their vantage point afforded from farthest east to western edge with no sign of twisted goblin or others of his evil ilk.

A river flowed, woven through as a ribbon of blue to hem a lady's gown, along the verdant valley floor and food aplenty leaving them to think they could not have wanted more.But in the misty hours of grey morning, in numbers seemingly without measure they saw the dark and fiendish hordes arrayed along the valley, and intent on gaining their remaining treasure.

Below the ledge, the hateful thing held a vision of the silver pearl before his eyes,and knowing it to be possessed by those whom, in his esteem, there was no equal to despise he stood with legs apart, anchored firmly to his chosen spot, and sent his orders out upon the moving air that they should leave their rocky nest, to bring the pearl unto him while he waited there.

"Give me the pearl of silver" said he with his face a mask of boundless greed,"And should you not comply, your brightness will be ended!" he gleefully decreed.This time, it was the Queen whose words fell like a gentle rain from rocky place above"I would sooner have, than all the silver pearls under Heaven, just one silver tear of joy from him, who is my treasure, and my joy to Love!"

"Take your pearl, and begone!" she said, and drew the jewel from within her gown and with a radiant smile, threw the silver pearl down.And from where it struck, a fountain sprang up tossing water droplets bright high into the sky, to cast a veil of colors across the riverbank as they fell and caught the light.

But much more than this, the water fell and as it ran across the valley, did it join with it's sister, the River, causing it to swell above the tracks which had held it fast,rushing across the land, where the evil horde had passed.

The angry roar of water surged forth in suffocating waves and swept before it, those spiteful goblins who went gasping to their graves.The silver flood spared none, save the twisted thing alone and when he looked to the rocky ledge, his shining quarry, King, Queen and pearl, were gone.

Fled to open spaces, high atop the mountain range,and to its rocky spine whereupon they fell to their knees and called to Spirits both Earthly and Divine"Oh save us from this Evil thing who seeks to settle some imaginary score!"The only sound, the whispering wind who answered not, and nothing more.

‎"You cried me a river," Said the Witch Queen to the Elven King "And it took us here, to distant shining shore.""And dance we did" replied her lover bold"under smiling stars and silver moon, though we knew not how many trials we would face,nor what fickle fate had put aside in store"

And as she smiled, a smile more radiant and rich than ever had before graced the lips of any witch they understood the lesson to be learned so when the Evil thing at last approached, each took the others hand and turned.

‎"Give me the pearl of gold!" the jealous creature spat""And I'll have no more of your spells, I shall not fall for such cruel trickery as that!But pearl in hand, the fey atop the grass did throw and as he reached for it the golden orb began to glow.

"Treasure we have always had!" they looked into each other's eyes as gentle as if speaking to a child, the couple did advise.In unison, they said, "My love is mine, and I am for my love which is valued, and more precious than any earthly trove."

The creature shrieked, for now he understood the greatness of what he would never have the ground beneath him rumbled, then shook and split the great fissure opened up before him and his pearl and swallowed him along with it.

Knowing now that true worth lay within their love and not in precious rings that earthly men covet and, in their greed become twisted evil things.A rainbow formed a sturdy bridge across the sky to be a path for them to follow according to their will and home they went, hand in hand and hearts entwined, and if they have not died, they exist there still.
Fin.